Beehive (Brixton)

Timothy Lumsden - 41 (Sorry)

Now mother please, I don't really want to talk about it, can you not just put the car in gear and take us home, people are still looking? And anyway, there is nothing much to tell. Some friends and I attended a pop concert at the Brixton Academy,..and it got out of hand. I was asked to leave and so I called you to pick me up.

Out of hand? What do you mean out of hand? I'll have you know that I was right in the middle of Harry Hill's TV Burp when you called.

I know it's late, and I apologise for that. Can we not just go home.

Reversing the charges!

Well I had no cash did I,..i had no,..well,..no, nothing.

What do you mean by carried away though? I mean,..why did those large black fellows kick you out?

Well, the atmosphere,..at the concert, was so electric that I,..well, I just got a bit carried away.

By taking your clothes off?

Well no,…but yeah,……well, my shirt.

You took your shirt off!

Yes. And threw it away.

You threw it away?! But that was freshly ironed!

Yes, I know,..but everyone was doing it.

Throwing their clothes away.

Well, no. But taking them off.

Everyone?

Yes everyone,..well no, not everyone, but I certainly was not the only one doing it.

Taking their shirts off?

Yes,…shirts off.

Shirts off. Well, why didn't everyone get kicked out then? If 'everyone' was doing it,…..

Well,..they were all doing it, but then I also removed my jeans,……..err,..trousers.

Trousers too?! You took your trousers off as well?

Yes. And threw them away.

You threw them away too!!

Yeah, onto the stage.

The stage! But you had no clean underpants!

No, I didn't. So, I was wearing no underpants.

No underpants?! So you mean that you were nude?! In a nightclub?

Well, concert venue.

Yes! Yes! Whatever. A disco! You were nude in a disco?!

Yes. But not for long obviously! I got kicked out. Hence why I am here.

Nude, and kicked out of the concert! On the streets of Brixton. Naked! On a Saturday night?

Yes Mother.

Naked! De-clothed?! Brixton?! Oh the shame of it.

Yes.

As the day you were born? As nature intended? Hail Mary,..What will the neighbours say.

Yes. And that's why I called you to pick me up. Can we not just go?

Well yes, I think that we better had. Your father will certainly have words with you when we get home. Put your seat belt on.  And do those flys up.

……………….So how did you get the disgusting clothes that you are in now then.

You don't want to know.

I certainly do!

Well,..put it like this mother. I made some moves and got em off a bloke down there.

Down there?

Yes, a fair exchange,…down that alley way, under the arches, 'around the back'.

'Under the arches'? 'Around the back',

………………..Ooooooooooooooooooooh Timothy!!

Yeah, and speaking of 'Shitholes',..he chipped me some money for a couple of pints 'on top'. That's why your picking me up here. Just take me home mother………sorry.

Timothy Lumsden's rating for the Beehive - 6/ 10

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