Prince Albert (Twickenham)

John Kreese (Karate Kid) aka Charlie Sheen.

Pain does not exist in this Boozer, does it?

No Sensei!

Fear does not exist in this Boozer, does it?

No Sensei!

Cops do not exist in this Boozer, do they?

No Sensei!

That's right!! Not in this Dojo,……oooooooooh no no! Seriously though. You've not seen any cops around have you?!

No Sensei!

Ok, good! Please feel free to re-take your seat and raise your glass. You're our newest recruit - Daniel-san. Congratulations,..and you're more or less on board! Cheers! You're winning.

Cheers Sensei!!!

You, are moments away from officially 'living the dream'. Well done. Ok, sit.

If there is one thing that I would say to you Dan, in order to summarise todays lesson, then it's this. 'Stay off crack, unless you can manage it socially'. Crack is not something to be taken lightly. Well, I suppose it is,..if you have the will power. But I personally, prefer taking it real real heavy! Haha! I don't suppose you have any on you,..? No,..oh no worries,..you're still learning.

 

Plenty of time.

No, but seriously, I still think that's pretty good advice. If you can manage it socially, then go for it. But not a lot of people can, you know? As I've explained ad-infinitum. Booze is generally a much safer bet,…at least to start. And of course it has that whole 'social acceptance' thing going on, in it's favour. At least it does here in the UK.

 

I'll tell you. You young fellas thesedays, you don't know you're born, at least you didn't before you enrolled in the club. When I think of you on the first day. Bright eyed, bushy tailed, fresh faced. Ha! What a dickhead you looked. 'Miyagi said this', 'Miyagi said that'! Christ! You didn't drink, you didn't smoke, you'd eat your five a day and you'd jog into college in the mornings. Jesus, sometimes you even rode your BMX! What the fuck was that all about?!

 

How foolish you must feel now. To have been brain-washed in such a way. 'Say no to drugs', 'smoking is not cool', 'attractive people use condoms',..'wax on and wax off''!! Yeah, blah, blah, nit-pick, chopstick, nitpick, chopstick!! I can tell you now, as I said early on, I was a sober, non-smoker for five years, a long time ago and was just bored out of my tree. Believe me, this healthy living- catching fly stuff, it's over-rated,..for losers.

 

It's inauthentic - 'sobriety',.. Daniel, it's not who I am. And it's not who you are either. Or at least, not now. I didn't drink for 12 years and, man, that first one, man. Wow! Win win.

 

I'm a winner Daniel, and so will you be.

 

As you know, I've done research into this matter. Serious research. And not from text books or over the internet Danny. I'm talking, "Out in the field." As I've shown you before………..

 

And here you are now! In the boozer, like a proper old pro.

 

'Not long now' for you Daniel,…

 

I remember one time back in 'Nam,…we were filming Hot Shots Part Deux and I was seeing this particularly hot Nigerian chick at the time. We scored this incredibly strong crystal,…something. And I err,……..we were drinking tequila and I well,…suffice to say…Ngota, I think her name was…

 

Oooooooh Ngota,……….

 

Anyway, yes,..so I was saying. What was I saying? Winning?!

 

Who cares? Daniel-san, you're almost one of us. From now on, you'll be known as 'Danny 'ole son' not 'san',.....at least you will be, if you pass this final test.

 

Sorry,..i'm rambling again. I've been rambling so much that I'm feeling a little horse. Any more of this and I'll be sounding like Demi Moore in her eighties.

 

Speaking of 'feeling a little horse',..i remember another time when I was particularly high out on this ranch in Idaho. It was foaling season, and we were having a barbeque out by the stables…..err, whatever happened to that guy Pete? I liked him,…he was my friend.

 

,...Anyway, who's round is it? Yes, that's right, it's time for you, Daniel-san, to finally to step up to the plate. The time is upon us young man. Here's the whip and there's the bar. You know what to do. Or at least you should. When you return with the drinks you will return a fully fledged member of our little group. A 'Winner'. Now off you go young man….

 

Oh,..and Daniel, remember what I said and remember your spiel. Approach the barman and say " Heads up, and without being nasty chum, you need to put this round on the house,…otherwise pal you'll shortly be experiencing a nasty roundhouse to up side your head!"

 

Oh, and Daniel. NO MERCY and none of that 'Crouchy Tiger / Hidden Bollocks' stuff! And certainly, no ordering any Thai food muck on the sly.

Don't make me come over there,…

 

John Kreese's rating for The Prince Albert - 9 / 10

 

Rolosocosy

• View by pub
• View by reviewer
• View by place

Falling down the blog

• The Bridge Bar and Eating House, Terminal 3, Heathrow Airport

  A dangerous port in a storm for a traveler, going somewhere he doesn’t want to go with five hours to kill. God bless the airport boozer – fuck the woeful High Grant’s philosophizing about finding the ‘essence of true love’ … Continue reading →