Old Dr Butlers Head (Moorgate)

Bear Grylls

*It’s 2.30 on a Tuesday afternoon and the lunchtime rush is over at the Old Doctor Butler’s head. Only a few seasoned boozers are left at their respective (solo) places, all studiously avoiding eye contact with each other, the bar-staff, and most of all the strangely dressed and unfamiliar looking bloke at the bar. “What the f*ck”, they collectively think, “is Bear Grylls doing here? Shouldn’t he be out there taking on the elements and chewing his hands off?”

Chico, the barman, is equally curious, but he has the advantage, as do all those who man the jump, of extracting this information from his celebrity punter.*

“What the f*ck are you doing here Bear, shouldn’t you be out there taking on the elements and chewing your hands off?” he asks. “I’m Chico by the way… how are you Bear-ing up [sniggers]”

“Well Chico”, replies the legendary adventurer, “it’s like this. Not a lot of people know this but I’m tight buddies with Gary Coleman… and as I’m in town for a few days I’ve arranged to meet him here. He was a bit vague but I think he meant this place… odd, I was expecting somewhere in Theatre-land, but there you go”

“Gary Coleman you say Bear? You’re right… I wouldn’t have guessed that…. How did you two hook up?” Chico settles himself on his side of the jump… the trickling-in of customers has dried up.

“The theatre’s one of my great loves Chico, it’s the thing I miss the most when I’m out there mixing it with whatever nature can chuck at me. And most of all, Shakespeare. Do you know, that time I deliberately capsized myself in that Ice Lake in Greenland, the last thing that flashed before my mind’s eye was Olivier delivering Hamlet’s “What a thing is a man” soliloquy?”

“ooh sounds nasty that mate” Chico interjects “doesn’t Bear thinking about”

*** The dig-out flies over Grylls head ***

“My cameraman’s ex-SAS, he bailed me out… happens all the time mate, water of a duck’s back… but it reminded me how important the Bard is to me”. Grylls is settling in now, so he pulls off his gaudy yellow souped-up survival cagoule.

*** Barman pulls a confused face ***

“and… right… how does that lead to Gary Coleman exactly? You mean the little geezer off Diff’rnt Strokes?”

“Oh Chico, Chico, Chico…. mais non…. Diff’rnt Strokes I ask you! Ancient history mate… Gary won’t be remembered for that twaddle… but as the greatest Shakespearean actor of the age. Haven’t you seen his Marc Anthony (“What’choo talkin’ about Brutus?”) or his Romeo (“What’choo talkin’ about Julie?”)”

“no”

“well they were years ago, I’ll give you that. These days he’s gained the stature to tackle the weightier roles… you mean you haven’t seen his Othello (“What’choo talkin’ about Desdomena?”)…. or his Lear (“What’choo talkin’ about fool?”)???

“No”

“The Hamlet that he produced, directed and starred in (“What’choo talkin’ about Yorrick / Ophelia / (to himself) Hamlet?)”

“Errr…. no. look mate… I’ve got something that I think I’d better tell you. You might want something a bit stronger than that Oranjeboum though. Something to help you Bear the news… a large brandy?”

*** a bewildered Grylls nods and sinks his pint ***

“Now look mate… I dunno about all this Shakespeare stuff.. but about Gary. Now look… errm, you say he told you to meet him here eh? When was that?”

“Well, it was a good few months back,…before I set off to water-ski around the complete coast-line of North and South America with only a packet of custard creams to get by on …. He just said to come to the pub on “his Road” when I was back in town, so I looked up Coleman Street and guessed he meant here”

“Ok… well, this conversation….was it before May 28, 2010 you reckon?”

*** Grylls nods ***

*** Chico the barman hands him his brandy and says he’ll be right back asking Grylls to Bear with him. He returns with a laptop computer, plonks it in front of Grylls and enters into Google “Gary Coleman”. The first link that appears is from the Guardian:

“Gary Coleman, star of Diff'rent Strokes, dies at 42”.

Grylls falls off his stool, the brandy glass shatters and severs his artery, and he bleeds to death in minutes. No ex-SAS cameraman here to help him you see. What a way to go.

Bear Grylls’ rating for The Old Dr Butlers Head – 9 / 10.

Steveo

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