Coal Hole (Charing Cross)

Wendell Sonny Lawson (The End)

Toxic blood disease they called it, “Great deal of haemorrhaging towards the end” they said. Six months, maybe nine months tops, if I’m lucky.

Screw that!

I’m a coward you see, I can’t take pain, despise it. Haircuts hurt me. So here I am, swimming out into the middle of the Thames, to end it all. That it’s come to this!

I’ve tried everything. Tried to squash my head beneath a hospital bed, tried to hang myself from a tree, tried to jump from a clock tower and tried to top myself with pills. No joy. I've been undone by my own cowardice at every turn.

So I figure, just swim and swim until you get shagged-out, then just let yourself drop. Just sink. That should be easy enough I reckon. They say you experience extreme ecstacy towards the end, (when you drown) well let's see.

*Brrrrrrr its cold.*

We’ll I’m getting pretty knackered now,…Done a mile or so I reckon,…*Oooh look, the Houses of Parliament!* 'Nother five minutes I reckon and then I just sink down.

*Two minutes later*

Here we are.  No need for a big breath I guess,..Kinda defeats the point, guess I just let it go. “Goodbye world,..You cruel mother ....”

*Sinks down into the murky depths of the water*

,…………………

*Bursts to the surface shouting*

“I wanna live!!,…Oh god, I wanna live!!,…..I’m gonna fight this,..I wanna live!!”

*Starts breathlessly trying to swim back to shore (North bank of course)*

“Lord help me, I’m sorry!  Oh I’m sorry, I’ve led a bad life, but I’ll do better, no more affairs, no more drinking, no more dodgy real estate deals,… (I swear there was a beach there!),..There was a freakin' beach there!!,..Oh sorry,..And no more swearing!”

*Still swimming breathlessly*

“Lord, I’ll be a better person I swear,..Just make me a better swimmer!! I’ll obey all of the boozing commandments,…Thou shalt not drink in All-Bar-Ones,…Thou shalt not call pints Cheeky,…Thou shalt not,…*breathless*,..Thou shalt not,…*panting*,..Thou shalt not,…!… Damb it!  Lord, I’ll learn the boozing commandments and then I’ll obey every single last one of em! Just help me live!!”

“I’m sorry Lord”

*Five minutes later and he is nearer the bank, he’s gonna make it*

“Oh thank you lord,  Thank you! And like I said, I’m gonna cut back on the drinking, certainly a little, definitely once the run-up to Christmas is over with,..Oh, and bear in mind, I’m going to that real estate convention in Vegas in January – I know, I know what I said, but you’ve gotta booze there.  But after that yeah, definitely, I’ll cut down a little”

*He has come ashore at Embankment and is shaking himself off*

,..What’s the time?..4pm,..nice one,..I reckon I deserve a couple in The Coal Hole after all that exertion, It’ll be easy to get to the bar at this time, since the theatre crowd don’t come in till 6ish.

*Starts walking by Embankment up to The Strand, dials the Coal Hole number*

“Hello John, Sonny here,..Good, good yeah,..Yeah,..Listen John, line us up a Carling top mate, I’ll be there in ten,..Cheers,..Oh,..and John, fire up the hand dryers will ya,…...Ciao!”

Wendell Sonny Lawson’s review for The Coal Hole – 7 / 10

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