Brewmaster (Leicester Square)

Wilson the Ball (Castaway)

Look, I may be a ball, but I’m not totally vacuous. I understand why managers refuse to serve punters, say if they're too drunk or if they use clichés when ordering (“Another one?,..Ooh it would be rude not to!”), so I totally understood why this geezer kicked out my mate Chuck.

He's lairy as they come, old Chuck, you can’t take him anywhere. I don’t know why I (have) kick around/about(s) with him really.

Here's what happened.

We've gone to the Brewmaster next to Leicester Square tube and are propping up the bar on a couple of stools (mine with sides). Things are already looking bad. I'm happily dwelling on half a Fosters, but Chuck is downing Carling (filth), chomping crisps, like there’s no tomorrow. *I don’t eat – Eating's-cheating, plus, I’ve no mouth, and I don’t wanna risk a puncture.*

Chuck’s getting fresh, talking nonsense as usual, some crap about German salads and houmous, and I start to notice the manager picking up on it.

He's  astute this cat, no doubt about that. He’s got Chuck’s number double quick,  “Eyes and ears everywhere”, for sure. We've just about finished our first pint and the manager is already coming over to straighten us out.

Chuck had made a right mess around the bar, I was telling him, “Use my socket, use my airhole,..at least try and use the adaptor,” but he wouldn’t listen and just kept chucking the beer all over my boat. I’m a leather ball with feathers and a painted face for gods sake! I don’t have limbs, let alone opposable thumbs.

"Listen mate," says the manager. "I can't serve you or your mate any more; I'm really sorry; you've obviously got issues, but it ain't fair on my staff, expecting them to clear up the mess and that. Besides, it's just … odd … watching you trying to pour lager into a painted mouth."

Chuck was gutted, couldn’t see what he had done wrong. I felt a right plum and didn’t know where to look, but since I had no one to spin me, I stayed facing the bar.

I didn't make a scene; well, I couldn’t. But I was a tad disappointed. After all, I don’t mind the Brewmaster; I’ve generally had good times in here (except for the time when the LA Lakers turned up – Mon dieu, I was dizzy for a month!).

But Chuck? Well, its "Toujours la meme chose", with him! He'd gone red in the face and I knew he meant trouble. Launched himself at the manager like a nutbag consumed.

Like a tit, he mis-timed his attack, instead of hitting the geezer, he smashed straight into the optics, showering glass everywhere.

*Oooh shattered glass, my own personal kryptonite*

"That's it," says the manager. "I asked you nicely. Now get out. And take your football with you."

I wanted to point out to him that I was a volleyball, but didn’t think it the time nor place, so kept schtum.

With that, the geezer picks me up – does a few keepy uppys – and boots me straight out through the doors.

Luckily I wasn’t hurt, I’m used to that type of nonsense, but I could do with another pint now,..Trouble is, Chuck looks like he is in “the zone” and really wanting to “ave it”. Knowing him as I do, I reckon he’ll try the old, shoving me down his jumper trick, in order to get in somewhere. Jesus, the stench was unbearable last time.

I suppose I haven't been barred from The Brewmaster, but I hope to Christ that Chuck has.

Maybe I'll try again, on my jacks, next week. It sees a fair amount of traffic, this place which is right up my alley. If you'd spent four years shacked up on a desert island, with that bearded buffoon, you'd want to drink somewhere rammo too.

Anyhow, in the meantime, how do I ditch him and angle a few solo?

Ah! Tell you what, there’s a bit of a decline as we head down towards Trafalgar Square from here, if he lets me loose (whilst attempting close control), and I get a bit of a roll on, maybe I can lose him, and get in The Chandos, without him noticing.

They’ve a pump and adaptor in there n’all!

Cashback!

Wilson's rating for the Brewmaster  - 7 / 10

Rolosocosy

Chuck Noland sees things differently - read his account of events

It doesn't look like Wilson will have much more luck down at The Chandos,..Gandhi is in,..and up for a laugh,..

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