St Stephens Tavern (Westminster)

Jim Hacker (Yes Prime Minister)

*It's Tuesday afternoon after Prime Minister's Question Time and Jim Hacker has dragged his secretaries down the boozer,…*

Hacker - I've got to tell you Humphrey, I am finding it very hard to argue the Government's stance on this one.

Humphrey - 'Hard' Prime Minister? By 'hard', I take it that you mean difficult? Yes, I understand that it may be a tricky concept for you to get your head around - cluttered as your mind must be with many, many, more important and pressing items of business, so let me clarify for you. The Government needs revenue, and tax is a tremendous source of it. People in pubs drink a lot and are otherwise useless to society, so why not tax them,..through their drink? The N.U.D are an organisation actively against us doing this, so they must be put in their place.

Hacker - Put it their place?

Humphrey - Yes, exactly. What these anarchists are trying to achieve Prime Minister is,..

Hacker - Anarchists! Anarchists Humphrey! These are not anarchists. These people are the British 'pub-going' public Humphrey. Your average every-day working man on the street. The back-bone of society.

Humphrey - Well yes, but you see the problem with the 'backbone of society' Prime Minister, is that they spend too much time paralytic, lying 'flat on their backs'.

Hacker - Very droll Humphrey, very droll. But I believe that's nonsense. The British pub culture is something of which we should be proud. It is part of what made Britain great. One of the foundations on which the Empire was built. I've got to be honest with you both. I'm 100% behind this, this so-called 'National Union of Drinkers', and their campaign to preserve the traditional British boozer. I agree with almost all of their policies.

Humphrey - 'Policies' Prime Minister. Policies! The N.U.D do not have 'policies', they have drunken tirades! Tirades fuelled by such things as '2 for one' offers on Carling Black Label, 'Manic Mondays' and 'Retox Weekends'. Cynical promotions at pub chains like Werthyspoons and Waxy 'O' McDonalds. This is not reasoned argument based on sound judgement and logic that they are putting forward. It's jibberish, based on too much half price WKD!

Hacker - 'WKD40'? The stuff used for loosening screws?! What on earth are you trying to say Humphrey, that the British public and the N.U.D have lowered themselves to drinking household maintenance products?! I resent and refute that insinuation wholeheartedly!

Humphrey - No minister. 'WKD' is, I believe, an alcopop beverage popular with the youth of today. So I'm told at least. It's sold in garish colours, like aqua marine and purple, and is often sold in pub promotions. Promotions, where the sole intention is to get the customers blind drunk as early in the evening as possible, with the result being chaos and mayhem on our local shopping precincts.

Hacker - Never heard of it Humphrey, and anyway, I believe that to be a lie. I mean, for heavens sake look around you man. Where are the bright blue and purple bottles in here tonight then?

Humphrey - Well,..

Hacker - Well, exactly. There's not one in sight. Everyone here, whether they be sat at a table, stood at the bar or smoking outside, are drinking good old fashioned pints,..as they should. A pub like this should be cherished Humphrey, not taxed out of business, only to then be demolished to make way for another Gastro impersonation or Starbucks!

Humphrey - Minister, I really fear that you are missing the point, these are civilised people in here. What I am talking about is the Provincials.

Hacker - Ah, and by 'Provincials', you mean the vast majority of the UK population do you!!?

Humphrey - Prime Minister please. Of course I am not saying that, but *looking at watch*,... but I feel that we will need to pick this interesting discussion up again at some point, maybe say tomorrow when you are feeling more, shall we say,..'focused'.

Hacker - 'Focused'?! I've never been more focused in my life Humphrey. And I fear that it is you, who has missed the point on this. What the N.U.D. are talking about is preserving the British boozer and everything it stands for. They've no care for any 'WD40' or for any ''2 for one' offers. What they are talking about is the Government's destructive attitude to one of our National Institutions - the pub - and quite frankly I agree with them.

Humphrey - Minister,..

Hacker - Humphrey listen. As it stands now, we've taxed the price of alcohol to a prohibitive level and smoking in pubs has been banned. What are we to do next? Put forward a motion to fine people who dare to laugh in pubs?

Humphrey - Prime Minister please. Please keep your voice down.

Hacker - No Humphey. No I won't. *Stands up raising his pint to the patrons* 'Reintroduce smoking in pubs with immediate effect!'

*Cheers resound around the pub. Jim, obviously bouyed, follows up*. 'I'll make it f*cking mandatory!!

*Sitting back down, pleased with himself*

Hacker - Care for another pint Bernard?

Bernard - Well, yes why not,..

Humphrey - No. Bernard says 'No thank you Prime Minister', don't you Bernard?

Bernard - Do I?....Oh, err, right, ,..No, no thank you Prime Minister

Humphrey - Enjoyable as this is Prime Minister, now I really must push the point that we should now return to Number 10. You're hosting a dinner party at Chequers, for the Nigerian Ambassador tonight remember,..and the car leaves at 6.30pm. So, I really must insist that we call this the last one and then adjourn back to Downing Street. You'll need to have a coffee and get changed quickly once we're there Prime Minister.

Hacker - F*ck Chequers,..and f*ck dinner.

*Bernard interjects*.

'You can't actually 'f*ck' Chequers Minister. Chequers is a building……….although I suppose, thinking about it,.. technically, if you were bold enough, in that sense, you could perhaps address yourself to certain 'fixtures and fittings'. The letterbox perhaps? But even by doing that, you would technically be 'f*cking' just part of Chequers,..not 'f*cking' Chequers itself……

...Concerning your exclamation 'and f*ck dinner', I fear that you may have opened up a can of worms with that one. Were you refering to the act of actually f*cking a physical plate of food? If so, I suppose the legality of such would depend on just exactly who's dinner you were f*cking i.e. whether it was your own dinner or someone elses. If however, you mean't something totally different, that you wished to 'f*ck dinner' as a concept, i.e. you wish to f*ck the 'idea' of dinner, ergo, as a mealtime,…I will need to draw on the words of the philosopher Plato, who said,…

Humphrey - Bernard, enough!!

Bernard - Sorry, Sir Humphrey. Might I just add though, that whether the Prime Minister intends to f*ck a building or to f*ck a plate of food, it makes no difference. Both acts could, I suppose, be considered rape.

Hacker - Oh, shut up Bernard. How could it be considered rape. A letterbox could not say 'No'.

Bernard - Ah, but by that rationale Prime Minister, it could not say 'Yes' either.

Hacker - It could say neither with its slot full!! Hahahaha! No really, is silence not considered to constitute assent, in today's world Bernard? I believe that it is...

Bernard - Well, quite the reverse I fear Prime Minister. Maybe silence could be considered assent in some situations, but, arguing that it constitutes assent concerning intercourse with a building or with someones dinner, could be considered a tricky one to win in a Court of Law.

Humphrey - Fascinating as all this is,……!

Hacker - Isn't it Humphrey! Isn't it! Ha! Lively pub banter. That's what we like to hear don't we lads?! Humphrey, I really must insist that we continue this debate over another few pints. Cancel tonights dinner will you. We're having another drink,…or two. Bosses orders.

Humphrey - Ok, I will notify the Nigerian Embassy immediately.

Hacker - Humphrey, I really, really must insist that you cancel tonights dinner. I am putting my foot down on this one!

Humphrey - I am about to cancel the dinner Prime Minister. Can you not see that I have my phone in my hand, finger poised and ready for action.

Hacker - You're cancelling it?! You mean that you agree with me,..that it should be cancelled, that is!? You are accepting my authority?!

Humphrey - Well, I err,…well, yes, I suppose that you are right. If you insist on putting it way, yes. I think it best to do so, on this occasion, considering your somewhat, how shall I say, current 'creative' state of mind, yes. Yes, I am agreeing with you.

Hacker - Fantastic! Agreed then! Bernard you get some cigarettes in and Humphrey, you make the phone call to the Nigerians.

In the meantime, I'm gonna work the room.

*Both* Yes,…….Prime Minister.

Jim Hacker's rating for 10/10

Rolosocosy

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