Blackfriar (Blackfriars)

Grenouille (Perfume)

Every cloud has a silver lining. They say that (in England), don’t they?

Well, I tell you what, as a veritable chain-smoker, this “ban” business was a real kick in the teeth. I’m never gonna give up, course not, love my Gitannes a little too much.

So how’m I gonna make this work? How’m I gonna make this work for me? Where’s my silver lining? Where’s the silver lining in this dark cloud?

One word – Stench!

See, I’ve a marvellous nose me. Marvellous. Not aesthetically no, (mind you, I’m no Gerry Doopy-Do), but in terms of function. I can smell. I have a sense of smell as keen as anyone on the planet, but up until now, I’ve never made it work for me. Never reaped the benefits of my superhuman snoss. My bionic hooter.

But this smoking ban got me to thinking, and it’s gonna make me rich I know it.

You see, post-ban boozers stink, and the Blackfriar stinks worse than the rest. When you walk into this gaff, you instinctively check the soles of your shoes, and ask around as to who’s let-off. It’s rank. Attempts to mask the fetid aroma of centuries of booze action,(with varnish and air freshener) coupled with the stench of deep fried slop, have been futile. It’s in the wood, it’s in the walls, no amount of Haze is gonna sort that.

On the tourist trail it may be, and yeah, it’s a looker, but, The Blackfriar? “Mon dieu, pot-pourri non!” Le stench! La stench (whatever)!

So, like I say, it got me too thinking. With my unstoppable beak, I could develop and sell, a masking scent, the scent to top all scents, the scent to evoke the boozers of old. And it was born, the idea for "Stench de Sh*thole!"

Now believe me, I’ve worked on this.*These stenches don’t just make themselves you know.* "Stench de Sh*thole" has been 9 months in the making, and I’m sorry to say that  yes, some have had to be sacrificed along the way.

I’m not proud of it, but I’ve lost count of the amount of Carling (garlic) tops I’ve massacred, the bottles of vin rouge, that have been destroyed. It shames me to say, but yes, even a few innocent mixers have gone down with the spirits.

But it’s been worth it.

A combination of infinite beverages, bar snacks, sweat, smoke, fear, loathing, sex and above all, fags, condensed and de-purified into a handy hip flask shaped dispenser. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Stench de Sh*thole – Guaranteed to leave you comfortable in any pub environment.

As I write this now, I am sitting in the hitherto, unbearable Blackfriar, surrounded by office workers eating their panini burgers, doing their networking thing, and I’m happy. I’m incognito - Totally disguised - Smeared head-to-toe in "Stench de Sh*thole", I shut my eyes and think of boozers past and present, of days gone by, whilst the yank tourists next to me force their chish and fipps down, desperately trying to resist the urge to hold their noses.

So, get it whilst you can, before the memory dies, whist it’s tepid, before it goes off.

Before I sell out.

Available on any disreputable street corner, or from any Cuban DVD seller.

“Stench de Sh*thole – Because you’re worthless”

Grenouille's rating for the Blackfriar  1 / 10

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