Knights Templar (Chancery Lane)

Charlton Heston (National Union of Drinkers)

 *It's Friday 'night' (i.e. 5.05pm) in the Knights Templar - an enormous 'old bank' type boozer just off Chancery Lane. The members of the recently formed 'National Union of Drinkers (NUD)', have convened for their first 'conference'. The NUD have hired the place for the weekend, since this area is a ghost town on week-ends and they hired it for a song. CEO Charlton Heston, mounts the podium to address the masses,……he waves his pint at the crowd….*

Ladies, Gentleman and Bar-Staff,…………welcome to the innaugaral annual conference of the National Union of Drinkers - in association with Wetherspoon's. I welcome you one and all. Cheers!!

*Loud applause and much raising of pints*.

Esteemed members! Esteemed members of the NUD, welcome. As i said, 'welcome' to our first annual 'conference',…and by 'conference', I mean 'piss up'! Hahaha! Do be seated…please,..be seated. Or not.

*No one sits*.

Dearest members. I cannot tell you what a joy it is, to have you all here together in such a venue. A venue, full to the brim on a Friday night, and full to the brim, with fellow like minded people. What could be better after a hard working week?! Here's to a great weekend session and to a painful return to work on Monday!! Cheers!

*CHEERS!!! Ha Ha Ha! More raising of pints'*

But seriously, down to business,……..members. I stand before you today with both grave and exciting news. As we know,..being drinkers,…this country is a country divided. Pub's are dying at an alarming rate, and the current government seems either blithely unaware, or totally unconcerned about this. An unfortunate fact of life for us all, is that those people in postions of power, are the type of people that never frequent pubs and so consequently obviously have little interest in their destiny. Those of us who do go into pubs, are invariably not in a position of power and thus not in a postion to bring any attention to this state of 'Ennui'….

If we do not address this issue quickly people. The British boozer as we know it, will be a thing of the past, come this time in twenty years. Do any of us want that?! Is that the legacy that we want to leave to our children?!!! Do we want to leave our kids boozer-less?

No!!

People. The battle-lines have been drawn. Those who would oppose the NUD have laid their cards firmly on their, 'immaculately laid', dinner party tables…

,…..Gentlemen,….and so must we. The time for talk has passed, and the time for action is nigh! Gentlemen, I say to you, choose your weapons, the time of war is upon us!! It's a 'call to the bar', if you will. It's 'last orders' on the traditional pub, if you like. If we do not act,..we are dead in the water. So act we must! Cheers!!

*More drinking and cheering*.

But not tonight. Certainly later,….

An esteemed colleague recently put it to me like this,..and I really think that this cuts to the heart of the matter. This friend, he said to me, 'Chuck,…Chuck my old mate,..my old mucker, do we want to stay a nation of 'pub goers' or do we want to become a nation of 'dinner party guests'?!!

And he was right. Cos that's the way it is going brothers. Make no mistake about that! No mistake! Hic! You are either 'in' or you are 'out' in this fight. And if you are out, then believe me,…the NUD is not for you and Dinner Parties are on the horizon my friend!

*Shocked gasps in the crowd*.

So you see. We must act. We must stand up against the destruction of the national institution that is our public houses. We must rise up and do something! Anything! Something! At some point……….

So I say to the government, and to those who would rather go to a 'Chez Nous' and play 'Kaplunk' into the early hours, than to go to the boozer. I say to them 'You can take our fruit machines, you can take our pool tables, you can attempt to change our boozers and make em gastro, but you will never,…NEVER take our pint's'. Oh,..and you can take your board games and shove em up your ass!!!

*The crowd are hysterical with laughter,..*

So!! So,.. I've a statement for the UK Government, and for the so called 'Dinner Party Set', that are taking this country to the dogs. And it is a statement of intent:

'Try,..just try, and take away my pint,……..and you'll be doing it 'From my cold dead hands!!"

*The crowd goes crazy, with raptuous applause*.

Thank you, thank you gentlemen. To summarise then. What we need is action. Action at some point. But not now obviously. Not on a Friday night,…..it is something for later. Maybe on Monday.....

Now, if you don't mind, I think that we should adjourn here for a toilet, slash,..ha,..'slash', cigarette break, before our next guest speaker. If anyone could spare a Marlboro I would appreciate it. The tax on those f*ckers is killing me too!

When we come back, our esteemed brother Heston Blumenthal, from our associates, Wetherspoon's, will be talking us through their new menu….

Now, I don't want to give to much away, cos I do not want to ruin the surprise, but suffice it to say,……….Wetherspoon's have been doing some 'Blue Sky Thinking' and, aside from freezing the price on cider, they will also be serving up some dazzling new dishes as part of their re-vamped Autumn menu. A menu that will be incorporating such diverse ingredients as Chorizo, Pesto and Artichoke Hearts,…….…hahahahahaha! Nah, course they won't!!

Hahahaha!

No,..truthfully.....The next guest speaker is, in fact, NUD member and new Wetherspoon's chef - 'Blooming Tom', who was previously head of catering at Heston services on the M4. John has been doing some 'Down to Earth' thinking and will be running us through the time-line for the introduction of Pie and Mash to the menu!

*The crowd go bananas*.

Ok, let's smoke.

Charlton Heston's rating for the Knight's Templar - 6 / 10

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