Bayswater Arms (Bayswater)

Ethan Hunt (Mission Impossible)

Mission Impossible they said. Damn right

But I didn’t choose to accept nothing. And I certainly didn’t bank on London. I said nothing.

*Play the tape back if you don’t believe me!*

So anyway, “Find a smoking friendly boozer in London” they said. “You’ve got 48 hours”.

“Mon dieu”, where does one start?

Royally screwed, right from the get-go, I reckon. “London boozers have been totally destroyed” I heard on the Minicom, and they weren’t wrong *Oh how its changed*. I remember coming here on a mission (impossible) to destroy that princess a few years ago, didn’t work out a’course (she sloped off to Paris with that Harrods geezer), but boy, did me and the KGB boys get tanked up and have the smoking craic whilst waiting for her to come back!

Its all changed since then you see, for Cockney Wideboys see Chardonnay Commuters, for Characters see Caricatures,..It's over. Not a smokey boozer in sight.

But I’m a professional, the best in the business, and I don’t give up easy.

So, after a little catch-up on the ole Scientology in Blackfriars, I pop in the Cos Bar for a swifty.  Not a chance in hell of a burner outside here baby - It's just a main road. I took a look at the décor before leaving, and made a note to phone the RSPCA when i got a moment.

So now it’s decision time. I knew that there had been a bomb threat at The Pride of Paddington, but, having been there before, I wasn’t too bothered about averting it.  However, drawn to scum and villainy, I headed West anyhow, in search of fag- friendly hostelries.

I got the tube, (hanging from the ceiling by a cord, I had plenty of space) and got off at Bayswater, knowing it was a mugs game to change for Queensway (20 yards away).

“Bayswater - A veritable good-pub hinterland in Central London” ,...apparently. So I set about upsetting the rule book.

I only found two juicers. The Price Alfred and the Bayswater Arms.  Out of loyalty to my mate Richard Gere (it used to be called the Rat and Parrot), I chose the latter.

Well, I dunno what to tell ya really, not only was there not a smoker in sight, there was not an Englishman in sight. And that ain’t xenophobic, that’s fact. A tiny little boozer full of t(err)ourists looking at maps,  I thought, I’m certainly gonna have no luck here (kicking around chuffing on a busy thoroughfare)and so booted it in the direction of the Daniel Gooch.

The Gooch was a contrast, full of lowly, full time drinkers, having a laugh, but still no smoking! Theres a little courtyard out front, but a more depressing vista you would be hard pushed to imagine.

What are you gonna do, I thought, if you can’t find a smoking friendly area in a gaff like the Gooch!

I resigned myself to finishing for the day, just watching an argument unfold between the barmaid and a geezer called Captain something.  Was funny for a while, until some local lads started saying (pointing at me), “Look at that Ethan”.

I didn’t get it at the time, but I do now.

So, it goes against protocol I know, but next time, I’m suggesting a little mission of my own – “Wipe out the Cockney rhyming slang jerks”

No one laughs at Ethan Hunt. No one!

Ethan Hunt’s rating for The Bayswater Arms – 3/10

Rolosocosy

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• Natural Selection,..

  “,….. Why didn’t they live to be 100?Huh? Well, they woz running round all day, hunting mammoths, eating berries,..rumping their little hearts out. No boozing or smoking. They must have been fit as fiddles. Yer Neanderthalls……….I’ll tell you why, it’s … Continue reading →