Cabbage Patch (Twickenham)

Mr Bean

  Ah, here we are Teddy, FINALLY! The pub!! TA DA! Pah!

Now we need to order some drinks, so you just keep your mouth shut and leave this one to me.

A pint and a half please barman. A pint and a half of your coldest beer please. Thank youuuuu!

Oh, and some crisps. What flavour shall we have Teddy? Smokey Bacon or Salt & Vinegar? Smokey Bacon please barman. Or maybe Cheese & Onion?

No, Smokey Bacon, please.

And nuts.

Perhaps we'll have some nuts as well. Shall we have some nuts Teddy? You know how you love a Brazilian..

Yes, some nuts as well please. What? No Brazilian's? Ok, what do you have then, in the 'nut' department?

Dry Roasted. Ok fine. Two packets please. Oooh look Teddy, they're freeze dried!

Freeze dried! Brrrrrrrrrrrr! We're looking forward to these aren't we Teddy?

Ooooooh Nuts! Pah! 

Thank you very much barman, and how much is that? Eight pounds!! Deary me, that is expensive. Isn't that expensive Teddy?! 

Still, it's been a long time since we've been in a pub isn't it. My, how times have changed. A dump like this could never have gotten away with these prices back in our day huh Teddy? Hoh hum,..oh well. The names Bean by the way. Mr Bean.

B…….E…...A…….N. Bean!! My car is parked outside in your disabled area. I hope that's ok. It's yellow.

No, no, I'm fine myself, a picture of health,…..but you'll notice that Teddy here is partially sighted. This is Teddy. Teddy with an eye! Ha! Say hello Teddy,……

Yes, he lost the other eye during the Falklands War. Well, around that time anyway. It was definitely the eighties…Battlestar Gallactica was on the telly,..and we were dancing.

Oh, we were drunk on that night, weren't we Teddy?! On Carling Black Label and R Whites Lemonade, I think it was. Ha! What a party,……remember how we both put on costumes! And me with those ear-rings!

Never could take our beer though could we, not even back then, when we were partying hard! But it's such a lovely hot day today, we deserve a cold lager I think. What harm can it do us?

You know that they say your tolerance for alcohol improves with age. I'm sure that this will be the case for us Teddy,….

So cheers! And bottoms up to you barman. Down the hatch it is,…..

Oh, just for reference barman, where are your toilets?

Ok, over towards the TV, then round the other side, at the back? Ok, got it, sounds simple enough, many thanks. Can you please do me a favour barman. If I become worse for wear after drinking this pint, and I start making my way toward the toilets, then please, please will you stop me from going in them.

I won't go in to detail, but I had a very nasty accident the last time I was drunk in a pub toilet. Very nasty!

Ok! Let's get our paws wet Teddy. Pah! 

Mr Bean's rating for the Cabbage Patch - 1 / 10

Rolosocosy

• View by pub
• View by reviewer
• View by place

• Letting yourself down

  A quick note on the ‘sensitive’ issue of letting oneself down when boozing. We’ve all done it after a few too many light ales. And we’ve all had to deal with the messy consequences… So the question is, should all … Continue reading →