Nags Head (Islington)

Del Trotter (Only Fools & Horses)

*Behind the bar in the Nag's Head bestrides Del Trotter, who, along with Rodney, is covering for Michael, whilst Mike attends a funeral. Uncle Albert props up the bar on the punters side, Rodney serves drinks over the other side, whilst Del holds forth to Albert, helping himself to a huge brandy in the process,……...…... *

"Oh yeah, oh yeah, you can't beat a nice Cognac can you Unc? Goes down a right treat. Ooooh yeah, je t'adore, t'adore. Ca depend D'Avignon. What were we talkin bout again? Oh yeah, 'sellin'. As I have explained to you before Unc, sellin is a 'Art'. It is not something that you can teach. There ain't no GCE in sellin is there?

Makes no difference whether you are sellin sun hats in Peckham market, sellin paint in Chinky takeaways, or sellin drinks behind the jump in a boozer. Sellin is sellin mon soir.

You are either born with the ability to sell or you're not. There is no 'in between'. I have got it,…..unfortunately laughing boy over there aint! Deary me. As the French would say - 'Mode D'Emploi' Unc, 'Mode D'Emploi'!"

"Coh, dear! Look at that dip-stick. What a plonker. Trying to chat up that young secretary sort in the skirt, when anyone with a brain in their shell-like can see that she wouldn't be interested in old drippy drawers, even if he were the last geezer on earth."

"Oi Rodders!!! Put your tongue back in your mouth will ya, and just serve the poor little mare her drinks. She's got her mate to get back too, at the table, ain't she!? Chop de chop. Bonne de douche bruv! Last thing she needs, is to make the old pleasantries with you! *walking over* Here, here,..let me deal with this.........

What can I get you sweetheart? Large wine? Rosey was it? The pink one? Small? Oh behave yourself my little darling! You only live once don't ya? Let's call it a large one shall we,……and a large for your mate over there as well is it? She's a right cracker ain't she? I bet she can tuck em away! Out on the tiles tonight? Thought so, thought so. You girls are gonna have a blindin night, I can tell,…..you'll be knockin em bandy left right and centre, on your Upper Street pub-crawl later on!"

"That'll be £11.60 love. Yeah,..£11.60 for the 2 large roseys please. Nah it ain't cheap is it? But the old 'rosey' is a classy wine, and you do look like proper classy sorts you 2, if you don't mind me sayin,…..wouldn't take you's for the type of ladies to shirk on the quality of your wine? Course you wouldn't. Course you wouldn't....

,....Cheers sweetheart, I will have one for myself. I'll take a Mer-lot wine if you don't mind my darling,…I do like em 'full bodied' you know…haha! Don't we all? Ha! Cheeky mare!!....Yeah, I'll have it in a pint glass with some coke. Lovely jubbly. Well *ringing up the till*, let's just call it a score for cash then shall we? Seeing as it's a Thursday night n all?"

"Cheers sweetheart. Cheers my lil darling. You girls have a good night won't ya! Oh,..and ladies,....don't go mad!!"

*Del totally ignores the till and pockets the £20. He gets a pint glass and 3/4 fills it with Merlot,…topping it off with some Panda Cola. He swaggers back over to Rodders and Albert at the other end of the bar.*

"………See Rodders. Did you see that Unc? That's how it's done. That's what 'sellin' is all about. You've either got it or you haven't. If old lanky chops here and been left to serve them sorts, he woulda come away having sold em the 'Thursday deal' - a whole bottle of rosey for £6.99. You probably woulda thrown in some peanuts as well wouldn't ya Rodders ya dozy twonk? Maybe would have even volunteered to pay for them drinks, i bet? Probably, in exchange for a mobile phone number,...that will later turn out to be moody! *Rodney sulks off back to the other end of the bar*.

"You can't tell him though Unc can ya!? Like I say,..sellin can't be taught. That plonker couldn't sell a black cat to a witch! Ha! When it comes to sellin,I, on the otherhand, am like a lion. Like the 'king of the beasts', who is hunting his prey......

,.....You know, one of them men lions, leading his pride like,..you know, with one of them shaggy mane things on his head. Like that lion, when he is out huntin,..huntin a goat or whatever,….i know. I instinctively 'know' when is the time to act. When is the time to pounce. Then,..'and only then', will I strike!!!!!!"

",………..See those 2 fellas over there at the end of the bar for instance? They both have full pints at the moment don't they. I'll bet you 5 quid, that I can get them to shell out for 2 more pints, before they've finished the current ones. Anytime I like. No matter that they have barely started their current drinks, are drinkin em slow, and both have car keys, and so must be driving. As I said Unc,..it's all about timing. And instinct."

Albert - "Ok, then. I'll take that bet. Go on then. Go and get em to order two more now then."

Del - "Coh dear! Not 'now' Unc, not 'now'!!! Like I said,….it is all about timing. Just like that lion I was tellin you about,..in the jungle. I crouch down, and wait in the old over-growth, stalking my prey, biding my time until the time to strike has come. Then and only then,.."

Albert - "During the war,…. "

Del - "Right, nows the time,…….*walks off rubbing hands*,…..gentlemen, what can I get ya?"

Del Trotter's rating for the Nag's Head - 7 / 10

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