Lock Stock & Barrel (Newbury)

David Hartnett (Revenue & Customs)

I know this site is meant to be for pub reviews by stars of the screen, not those heading HM Revenue and Customs, but the sense of injustice I felt after my recent experience in the Lock Stock and Barrel, Newbury; well, when site host D-Fens Foster heard my plea for a voice, he agreed to publish.

It all happened last week after a busy day of public service. I’d been incorrectly coding PAYE forms, pretending I was sorry for mistakes I’d made and making sure big business didn’t face the same tax burden as ordinary working people.

I needed a drink!

So I took a swerve off the M4 down into the centre of Newbury in Berkshire to the Lock, Stock and Barrel. Decent place by the water – or so I thought.

I got to the bar and ordered my pint I was told it cost £3.15. So far, so good. I thought I had enough money, but it turns out I only had £3.11 in change. I’d left my bank cards in the office.

So I asked the barman if he’d take £3.11 for cash. And do you know what? The fucker point blank refused!

“Sorry mate,” he said, “But rules is the rules. Punters have gotta pay up for their pints. And that means £3.15, not £3.11.”

Needless to say I was mortified. But worse was to come.

As I was standing there by the bar a gentleman - part of a large crowd of fat, happy people sitting in the corner - came to the bar. Knocked into me on the way too (without apologising).

“Five pints of lager, two red wines and one of those WKD things please mate,” he said by way of an order.

Suspecting shenanigans, I stayed to clock the payment part of the deal. Except there wasn’t any.

“Don’t worry about it mate,” says the barman after handing over the last drink with a wink. “This round’s on the house.”

On the house? I was as mad as one! “Oi mate,” I pleaded. “This isn’t right. I offered you four pence short for my pint and you wouldn’t take it. Yet that crowd in the corner get their drinks for free. What the fuck is going on?”

“Well, here’s the thing,” he replied smirking at me. “That bunch of fat folk work at Vodafone’s HQ just up the road. It’s important that we keep them sweet because the boss is chummy with some of their senior people and big business is important for our future. Now, sir, you might be a very intelligent person. But I think you might be suffering from….well…what I can only describe as a black and white view of paying for your drinks in a pub.”

Dumbstruck? Too fucking right!

I felt like taking the first taxi up to Vodafone’s HQ and torching the place.

I mean think about it for a second. The inflated price I was paying for my drink in a pub was all down to the fact that Vodafone were being given a free ride by this half-witted, faceless official behind the bar.

It ain’t right is it?

David Hartnett’s rating for the Lock Stock and Barrel – PAYE error / 10


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