pub review

Misty Moon (Twickenham)

Hyacinth Bucket (Keeping Up Appearances)

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh Richard it's absolutely squalid!"

"It's perfectly fine Hyacinth. And like I said, I'm desperate to use the toilet, and I am not going into Waitrose to do so. Now what would you like to drink?"

"Do we really have to stay in here Richard, what if someone we know were to see us?"

"Who cares if anyone sees us? This is a perfectly normal pub. I'll get you a sherry,…."

"Make sure that it comes in a clean glass Richard, stipulate that when you order. And bring some serviettes over as well whilst you're at it will you. This seat looks like it needs a good wipe down. Oh, and Richard,……..don't be long."

"Don't be long?"

"Don't be a long time getting served dear,…… is a little vulgar for me to be sat alone, especially in a place like this. I mean, we're practically in Beirut!"

"Ok, alright, I will stress the urgency to the barman. I'm sure that he will take it on board."

"Just half a bitter shandy for you by the way,….remember you're driving."

*Richard heads to the bar muttering under his breath, whilst Hycinth sits herself down facing the window, with a degree of trepidation and looking extremely uncomfortable. She turns to the couple at the next table.*

"Of course, I've never been in here before you know. This is not the type of place that my husband and I would usually frequent. It's just that we have some important business in the area and my husband has unexpectedly been 'caught short'." Once he has availed himself of the facilities, I imagine that we will then proceed to a restaurant of some kind."

Punter at the next table - "You can eat in here sweetheart. Beer and a Burger for £4.50 is hard to knock,.."

"Maybe for a manual fellow such as yourself, but I neither drink beer, nor eat Burgers, and neither does my husband. So that offer holds no lustre. Incidentally, my husband has only recently retired after a lifetime of devoted service to the community. He also eats what he is told to eat."

"Suit yourself. Lucky him."

*A minute or so pass, and then Richard returns to the table with the drinks,..there is no sign of Hyacinth.*

*To the same guy at the next table* - "Excuse me,..i don't suppose you saw where my wife went did you?"

"She's under the table mate."

"She's what?"

"Under the table mate,..shot down there about 30 seconds ago. See, can see the back of her skirt"

"Hyacinth, what on earth are you doing down there?"

*Urgently*. "Has he gone Richard!!? Has he gone?"


"The vicar,..he just walked past the window."

"Walked past the window? No, I can't see any sign of him now. Come on, get back up."

*Dusting herself off.* "That was a close shave there,..I got away with it I think. I don't think that he saw me."

"So what if he did? I imagine that the vicar has better things to occupy his mind other than, wondering why you would be in the Misty Moon on a Wednesday afternoon. *Walking around the table to put the drinks down.*

"Do mind the dog Richard!"

"Mind the dog?! What dog?"

"Over there by the door."

"He's 20 metres away."

"Oh, it's too late now anyway, he's moved. Lucky you missed him. Do try to keep up Richard."

*Hyacynth's mobile phone goes off as she re-takes her seat (the National Anthem), she holds the phone aloft to show the fellow punters*. "It's probably someone important,………Ah, yes, it's my sister Violet,..she's probably calling from the passenger seat of the Mercedes! You know my sister Violet, Richard,…..the one who married a turf accountant, has the large house, the swimming pool, and room for a pony!"

*Hyacinth answers the phone with a flourish.* "The Bucket residence, the Lady of the House speaking!"

*Geezer at the next table to Richard* - "So she even says that when she's on her mobile does she? Ha! Those long winter nights must just fly by in your house!?"

*Richard sigh's* "Ok, that's it. I'm off for a pony, or should I say, I need to 'drop the kids off at the 'room for a' pool'."

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh Richard!!!!"

Hyacinth's rating for the Misty Moon - 0 / 10


Comment Posted on 17 Sep 2010 by Victor Meldrew

Oh,..I believe it!

Comment Posted on 17 Nov 2011 by Hyacinth

Also, a word for you - Mr Landlord of said Misty Moon. I was shocked and disgusted and the state of the urinals in the Ladies toilets. The council have been informed.

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picture of Misty Moon (Twickenham) 53 - 57  London Road, Twickenham, Middlesex,

53 - 57 London Road,

Twickenham, Middlesex,