Golden Egg (Kilburn)

Steve McCroskey (Airplane)

*McCroskey enters the Golden Egg on Kilburn High Road and briefly scans the seats and bar area for his colleague Jacobs.*

*To himself* Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinking…….

*Unable to catch sight of Jacobs, McCroskey quickly loses interest and heads for the bar, rubbing his hands with glee. A seated Jacobs has actually seen McCroskey, and so gets up and follows him up there.*

McCroskey - Hey, Barman, what about a Carling Top?

Barman - No thanks.

McCroskey - Damnit man,..a Carling Top over here when you can! Jesus! So....ah, there you are Jacobs!? What kept you?

What kept me Sir? I was just there at that table?

There? I scanned the whole place thoroughly man, don't lie! So, you're here now, what have you got for me? I want to know absolutely everything that's happened up till now.

Jacobs - Well, let's see. First the earth cooled. And then the dinosaurs came, but they got too big and fat, so they all died and they turned into oil. And then the Arabs came and they bought Mercedes Benzes. And Prince Charles started wearing all of Lady Di's clothes. I couldn't believe it…..

Jacobs! I want to know everything that has happened here tonight up until the point that I walked in just now,….damnit man, when you sent me that text it sounded urgent. *pulls out a Pritt Stick* Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.

Jacobs - Oh right, the text. Well, let's see. I came in here, having seen the sign for Guinness for £2.25 outside,..and well,…..i managed to buy a pint, but then that fellow over there on the fruit machine came over to me, quite menacingly, and asked me for spare change.

Spare change huh? And what did you say?

Well as you can see, he is a brute of a man. So I said 'sure', and gave him a pound.

Well that's not too bad man. What are you fretting about?

Well sir,..that is not the end of it really. I've been to the bar 2 more times since then, and both times the same man has followed me up and asked me for some spare change. In fact the last time, he just said 'Gimme all your change mate!'

Which was?

£11.50 sir.

So, Jacobs, let me get this right. You popped in here for the cheap Guinness, but have in fact, spent £20 on 3 pints?!

Thats about the sum of it sir.

That's pitiful Jacobs. Pitiful. You need to stand up more for yourself man,..have some backbone / some spine. Did I ever tell you that my own father was raised right here in Kilburn? Yes, begorrah, he was Kilburn-Irish through and through. He was brought up drinking and surviving in these pubs,..and do you know what he had?

Liver disease sir?

No! Well yes,..but I am talking about character Jacobs. I can sum it all up in just one word: courage,…... dedication, daring, pride, pluck, spirit, grit, mettle, and G-U-T-S, *guts*. Why, my father had more guts in his little finger than most people have in their large intestine, and I'd include the colon in that!

I guess that means that I am a pussy then sir?

I guess you are Jacobs. But you're in luck, when it comes to my father and me,..well let's just say that the apple does not fall far from the tree! Leave ordering the drinks to me Jacob's. I know how to behave in a place like this, and can deal with any potential trouble. Now, here's the special offer menu. What can you make out of this?

*Hands him the menu*

This? Why, I can make a hat or a brooch or a pterodactyl…

Damnit man,..what drink would you like?

Oh, nothing from the menu sir, just a Carling top,..like yourself.

Ok,..*to the barman* and one more Carling top over here please barman…

*There is a moment of silence between the 2 as the barman brings the drinks over. McCrosky reaches for his wallet and pays*.

See, that's how you do it Jacobs.

Yes sir, I see. Tres impressive.

*As he goes to put the change in his pocket, McCroskey sees that the same meat-head has clocked him doing so, and is getting up from the table and starting in their direction.*

"Jesus man,... It's coming right at us!!!!"

*he then runs through the pub and jumps straight out through the front window*

McCroskey's rating for the Golden Egg - 10 /10 (If you've picked the wrong day to give up Crack)

Rolosocosy

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