Grand Union (Westbourne Park)

King Kong

I dunno what got me started on this deadly rampage in the first place now?!

Here I am clinging to the side of this gherkin, like a prize prick. I can’t get a proper grip, (it being so smooth ‘n’ all) and I’m slipping, squeaking my way down. I look like a real baboon.

,...Hang on, let me try holding on by getting a bit of suction with my lips…

*Leeches onto the side of the building*

*Thwap! – Pulling away*.Damn, that’s not good!  Jesus, they are laughing inside the building now, (having seen the inside of my gaping north and south). *Ergh!..I’ve scuffed my gums,..Eww!,.and I can taste the flies!*

Look at em down there, they are not even bothering with the choppers now. They can see me slipping down, helpless. In fact, I can see those firemen from here, hands on their hips, creasing up. W**kers.

Oh yeah, that was it, the reason for the rampage. *Roooaaaar*. That was it yeah. *Oooh I’m livid again now*. What the hell has happened to London pubs!

Jesus, I’ve only been outa the country for 5 years (Jungle work)! 5 years and look what’s occurred whilst my (downy) back has been turned!

See, I’d decided to take a hop, swing (literally) and a jump, over here yesterday, to revisit some of my old haunts. Westbourne Park was an area that I used to scratch around in, so I headed there for some laughs.

Well, I don’t know who’s laughing now, but it certainly ain’t me (I’m deadly serious). What happened to The Metropolitan, The British Oak, The Skiddaw?! What, in gods name, has happened to The Carlton Bridge!

The Carlton Bridge now seems to be called The Grand Union! The place where I expected to find Chelsea John (with the teeth) and the Hell’s Angels, playing pool, with the juke box blaring, now seems to be populated by new media types eating overpriced crap.

I hate the media. They made me what I am today.*Not literally of course! They didn’t make me a gigantic gorilla,.No no,..Two other things did that I guess,.. God knows who though?!*
 
I mean, they made me what I am today – A very angry chap.

This is the place where we used to get tanked up (on fermented nana’s and Carling), over the football, and occasionally I’d amuse everyone by bombing into the canal and capsizing a few barges.

To see it now, well, I was beating my chest big style when I saw the prices at the bar, put it like that. “The best pies in London” the sign said! Bollocks to that. I chucked twenty in my mouth and was throwing up like a marmoset within 2 minutes!

*Oh for Pete's sake, how pathetic do I look, I’m squeaking towards the bottom of the building now!*

So I smashed the gaff up!

And here I am now, on the run, atop (initially) a green skyscraper, slipping inexorably to the ground, with a laughing welcoming committee below.

*Dammit, this Windolene is really greasy.*

And they can put that trampoline thing away for a start! Does it look like I’m falling at any pace! “Oi! Blue Watch! No Necessito Aqui!”

*Pathetically arrives at ground level. He raises his hands.*

“It’s a fair cop lads, fair enough. Get on with the deportation will ya. Just get me outa here and we’ll say no more about it.”

King Kong’s rating for The Grand Union – 1 / 10

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