Henry J Beans (Chelsea)

Ratso Rico (Midnight Cowboy)

Everybody’s talkin’ at me…..but I can’t hear a word they’re saying….

Rico (shouting): “F’Christs sakes will someone turns the music down in here...I'm trying to order a drink!” 

Barman: "Pipe down will ya buddy. You’re holdin’ up the line...Like I said, we only got Becks Vier…..Hey, you don’t look so good…..what you say your name was again…. Ratso?”

Rico: “I told you. The name ain't Ratso. it's Rizzo; Rico Rizzo.”

Barman: “Hey, that’s what I said – Ratso…..Here’s your pint of Becks - Ratso.”

Jesus I hate joints like this. It’s like what ol’ cowboy Joe was saying to me the other day; he ain’t a f'real cowboy but claims to be one helluva stud! This is the same deal; it ain’t a f’real New Yoik bar – and it’s about as authentic as Joe’s claim to be a hit with the broads.

Talkin’ of Joe, that’s whys I'm here; searchin’ town for the bozzo. My leg hurts, my butt hurts, my chest hurts, my face hurts, and like that ain't enough, I gotta pee all over myself. I took a rest stop that wasn’t on the schedule, so as to speak.

But dreams is dreams right? If we’re gonna shoot this dump and get down to somewhere where the sun keeps shining (Bognor Regis) before Rizzo’s body gives out, I’m gonna need Joe's help to get me on a bus. 

So in searching, I figured that a mixed-up plastic cowboy, would probably head for Henry J Beans in Chelsea. Now I'm draining the worst beer ever to have been thrown up outta a stainless steel tap. My head's the only part of my creaking body that ain’t hurting right now, but, for sure, tomorrow it's gonna be thumping. 

* He limps off to the garden which is full of beautiful young things. Somebody shouts his way *

Punter: “Hey buddy, did you know that in London you’re never more than two metres from a rat? Or perhaps I should say from a Ratso…ha ha ha”

Rico: “Screw you mister…damn faggots.”

Jesus, I guess I shoulda gotta be more careful with my insults. It ain’t so as like the done thing these days to refer to folk as faggots and besides, I ain’t convinced Joe hasn’t got his own issues with been queer.

* mobile phone bleeps * 

Hey, speak of the devil! A text message:

Hey Ratso, sorry I missed you buddy. Got taken to a joint called the Admiral Duncan in Old Compton Street by a group of fellow gigolos. No way I’m leavin’ now. The guys here are gonna take me to a little ol’ place called Heaven, where I’m told there’s wall-to-wall broads for well-dressed young bucks lime me. Yeee – hawww. 

Stoopid schumuck!

I ain’t got the heart to reply.

Here's I am drinking swill in a dump on the Kings Road; meanwhile Joe's being taken for a ride on Queen Street. I just wonder if he'll make it to heaven before I croak and descend straight downs to hell. 

Rico Rizzo Ratso's rating for the Henry J Beans - 3 / 10

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• Natural Selection,..

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