West Meon (somewhere in Hants)

Three Musketeers

A trio of French dandies travel south in a 2CV, accompanied by an unidentifiable bundle under a blanket on the back seat.

They pull into the car park of a miserable looking boozer on the junction of two busy roads, diagonally opposite a petrol station.

The summer's day is scorchingly hot.

It's the West Meon (AKA "Two for One"), a 'pub' in a prime location half way between Winchester and Petersfield from West to East and half way between Alton and Fareham from North to South.

In other words, the middle of bleedin’ nowhere.

Anyway …. back to our story. With swords and hats aflying the three gentlefolk stumble onto the tarmac next to the pub’s bright-coloured bins blinking in the sunlight, to the gentle sound of traffic whizzing this way and that. Aramis winds up the windows and locks the doors.

Athos (the drunk one): All for one and one for all! Let’s get some fucking booze in lads!

Aramis (the posh one): All for one you say Athos? Come, come dear fellow; your sight must be impaired through early imbibing or perhaps the bright sunlight; mark you the huge signs peppered on fence posts and pub facade: the cry here must surely be: Two for one, not all for one. 

Athos (the drunk one): You will find, young man that the future looks rosiest through the bottom of a glass. We waste time discussing the peculiarity in the pub’s vulgar signage. Let us enter by the back door.

Porthos (the poofy one): Back door, ahem, yes. Listen dear fellows; the point is moot, but I fashion that we have come across what is known as a pub-grub-deal-pub. Two for one, don’t you know…it does exactly what it says on the cliché!

Aramis (the posh one pausing and holding back his friends): Two for one? Pub grub? This matters not my friends. But  this I say to you. Do we really want to spend time in this pestilant tip? Forgive me Athos, but It looks a trifle souless….

Porthos (the poofy one interrupting and sniggering): ….ha ha and ‘trifle’ is clearly on the 2 for 1 menu, part of the fare so clearly outlined in the prominent signage. As – I suspect – would be prawn cocktails, poulet dans un basket and black forest gateaux! ….* laughing * Hmmm, maybe we should postpone further progress towards France until we have sampled Sunday’s carvery! Also 2 for 1 I note!

Athos: (the drunk one): Enough! We waste time. We cross the channel shortly. Time is not on our side and we know not how the land lies in Portsmouth ferry terminal. There is an imperative we must embrace. And that imperative is to booze. 

Aramis (the posh one): Speak not to me about imperatives Athos…

Athos (the drunk one snapping): Aramis, if you were a gentlemen I would speak to you... I was speaking AT you.

* Swords are drawn at this insult and the two position for what our  friends in Scotland describe as a ‘square go’ *

Porthos (the poofy one): Gentlemen. Gentlemen, sheathe your magnificent swords. Let us agree to pass on this 2 for 1 food deal, for I fear this cheap English food may be fowler than dear Pauline and more rotten than Johnny. But Athos is right; we must steal ourselves for the journey ahead. I propose: a swift couple by whatever bar they may have inside this privvy, then back on the road.

Athos (the drunk one sheathing his sword): A deal my dear friend. Swerve the food; down a couple of swifties. I apologise dear Aramis for my harsh words and rash behaviour.

* Aramis nods sagely in acceptance of the apology. They walk towards the door resolute in their mission; the trio are suddenly halted by a concerned Porthos. * 

Porthos (the poofy one): Wait! Dear fellows, have we not forgotten someone?

* The others sigh collectively * 

Porthos: Surely, we must at least open the windows while our fourth comrade catches forty winks in the back of our chariot.

Athos (the drunk one): Nah, leave the little c*nt be. We’ll only be an hour or so and the dozy mutt needs to lose a pound or two!

All (laughing): Two for one and three for booze! Ha ha ha



Sputnikski

Three Musketeers rating for the 2 for 1 – all for 1 / 10

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• Natural Selection,..

  “,….. Why didn’t they live to be 100?Huh? Well, they woz running round all day, hunting mammoths, eating berries,..rumping their little hearts out. No boozing or smoking. They must have been fit as fiddles. Yer Neanderthalls……….I’ll tell you why, it’s … Continue reading →