Fox on the Hill (Denmark Hill)

John Barnes (Mars Ads)

*John Barnes, 79 caps for England, title-winner for Liverpool and hip-hip legend saunters into the Fox on the Hill – home of London’s 2nd chubbiest stunning barmaids - and **gingerly** parks his ample bum on a bar stool… *

“Trace.... shaa-mooan! Digger’s in Da House!”

“Johnnnnieee!”… said Trace waddles over…. “What’ll it be luvvie?”

“Lemme see.. lemme see…” Barnesy’s podgy fingers are feverishly working the laminated menu … saliva is forming around the corners of his mouth. “I’ll have a Foster’s Top and a …. Mmmmm!!….. Oooh… that chicken and leek pie with butter-rich puff pastry looks nice…. “

“… oh Johnnie it’s delish!!”

“… mmmm…. oooohh… maybe I shouldn’t today.. I’m filming that Mars Ad tomorrow, gotta look trim….but then… tell me Trace, is it Be Good To Yourself range?”

**Barmaid giggles under breath… Rolls eyes…. Raises eyebrows** “IF YOU SAY SO JOHNNIE!!... course it is….gowwaaaaannnn”

“mmmm… **Barnsey’s already checking out the deserts**…. Mmm!!!...” **then hears a voice inside his head: it’s his former Watford and England manager Graham Taylor – “DIGGER… what are you doing son? DO I NOT LIKE THAT!”**

**Barney agonises for what seems an eternity… grips the bar…. swallows hard…** “Oh d’you know what Trace, just make it a packet of Dry-Roasted… like I said, Mars Ad tomorrow”

“OK John **scowling, Trace pulls a pint**…. So, you get freebies there?”

**Barnsey quick as a flash** “We get more than Three-bies Trace… full month’s supply….waaahey!”

“How do they work that out I’ve always wondered Johnnie? I was re-reading that bit from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - fave book! - last night, about the life-times supply of chocolate… I mean, how do they work that out?”

**Whilst Barnesy and Trace ponder over this delicious conundrum, with postures that accentuate their saggy tits and dough-like features, a Millwall fan swaggers up to the bar**

“YOU FAT FUCK BARNES…. What did you ever do for England?”

**A clearly scared Barnes scrambles for his usual comeback**

“Well, excuse me but that goal against Brazil….. the Maracana.. took out 6 Brazilian lads???”

“ARE YOU TAKING THE MICK, BARNES YOU BLUBBER-FUCK? You’re so fat, you might as well get some crayons and sketch that bleeding goal out inside your belly button , COS IT’S AS BIG AS THE FLAMIN’ MARACANA THESE DAYS”

**A second, even more aggressive looking Millwall fan steps up to the bar.,.. things are looking dicey now for JB**

“And it was a fuckin friendly anyway Barnes… you taking us for a pair of mugs? WHAT ELSE YOU DONE?”

**Barnesy’s swallows deep… meanwhile out the corner of his boggle-eyes Trace is scrabbling around with the CD player… but Barnesy is too frightened to see what she’s doing**

“Errr… those crosses to Lineker against Argentina in the Azteca, 86… he scored one of them didn’t he?”

“WE LOST THAT BLOODY GAME BARNES… HOW’s THAT HELP?”

**Both Millwall fans slam their pint glasses down on the bar…. They summon the rest of their crew who form a pack round Barnsey - now wobbling like a jelly….**

“LAST CHANCE BARNESY – WHAT U FUCKIN EVER DONE FOR ENGLAND??

**At the last minute Trace saves the day - she can’t afford her best customer getting hospitalised - and hits play on the CD player**

Dung-dung-dungadung Dung-dung-dungadung

“You got to hold and give but do it at the right time”
“You can be slow or fast, but get to the line”
**Millwall fans joyously dancing around the pub like schoolboys on the last day of term**
“They’ll always hit you and hurt you - defend and attack”
**“Drinks all round!” shouts one ecstatic fan… “Heat a pie up for Barnesy!!”**
“There’s only one way to beat them, get round the back”
“Catch me if you can cos I’m the England man”
“And what you’re looking at… **an emotionally wrecked Barnesy is scoffing Minstrels from the dispenser Trace has unlocked for him**… is the master plan”
“We ain’t no hooligans, this ain’t a football song”
“Three lions on my chest I know we can’t go wrong”
**The entire pub erupts**
“WE’RE PLAYING FOR ENGLAND {IN-GER-LAND!}”
“WE’RE PLAYING THE SONG”
“WE’RE PLAYING FOR ENGLAND {IN-GER-LAND!}”
“Arriverderci it’s one-on-one” 

John Barnes rating for the Fox on the Hill - 5 /10

Steveo

Curious about London's top spot for porky-beauties behind the bar? Superman knows the score. Click here

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