Lord Moon of the Mall (Whitehall)

Captain Chaos (Cannon Ball Run II)

Da Da,..Da NA!!

Hello there good fellow, apologies for interupting your flow, but I could not help overhearing your joking....

,...You are doing, I mean telling, 'What do you call a man,…?' jokes, aren't you? Great. I love those.

Yeah, 'Cliff' is good. Seagull and all that,….'Annette' is also funny. Tennis. But my favourite one has to be 'Warren' I reckon. You know - 'What do you call a bloke with 50 Rabbits up his bum?' 'Warren' hahahaha!!! I also like 'Bob' but I won't tell it to you now, out of respect for todays wheel-chair bound participants. Ha! 'Athletes!'

Anyway, enough of this pointless banter. I need a drink. What would you recommend my good man? I need a drink to celebrate. Something to mark the occasion. What would you suggest?

Well, what's the occasion?

I've just run the London Marathon.

Ah, have you? Well done. The London Marathon huh? That would explain your tin foil cape and fancy dress costume wouldn't it!

Ha! Well no, not really actually. This is my own tin foil cape. I brought it from home and ran in it today. I often wear it on sessions you see,..and I do not know what you mean about 'fancy dress' costume. I've what the doctor calls 'fat eyes', so I need this black eye mask for medical reasons. But, yeah, I ran in the marathon today, and the cape is good isn't it? As i always like to say, it keeps the splash-back off and the man-sweat in. No one f*cks with you either, when your wearing something like this.

I bet they don't. Expecially not when they see your cape and mask coupled with those tattoos as well, I'd imagine.

Exactly. They don't. The tattoos are intimidating and the mask is my trade mark. The 'Mask of Solo' I call it,..i always wear it when boozing, to keep the old 'fat eyes' in check. But anyway,….the drink good fellow, the drink. What do you recommend?

Well, did you win the race? Do you want champagne?

Win! Win! Did I win the London Marathon?! Of course I didn't win. Do I look like a winner of the London Marathon to you?

Well,..

Of course I'm not a winner. And champagne is certainly out. I need a drink more befitting a man in my position. A drink befitting a loser,…a gallant loser. An 'also ran',…you know, you work in Wetherspoons. What is usually a big seller?

Well what about Fosters? Fosters is popular at the moment. It's on offer,….. 

Fosters? Offer? Yeah ok, why not. Put a Dr Pepper top in it will you please.

A what?

A Dr Pepper.

Don't have it mate i'm afraid. It's not widely sold over here.

Not widely sold?! But you've beers from almost every country on the planet in here as far as i can tell.

True, but we don't give a shit about soft drinks i'm afraid.

Ah, fair point, why would you i suppose. They are a mugs game,..but i do like a hint of marzipan in my beer. Oh well, just drop a Bells in instead will you.

Bell's Whisky?

Yeah, drop one in will you.

To the pint?

Yes. If you can't have the flavour then lets at least have some punch!

You're the boss.

Why thank you. Yes,...I am both a gallant loser and also the boss. Tell you what my friend,...this pocket full of sponsorship money is really burning a hole in my shorts. You got a fruity?

Yeah, over there.

Cheers. I think I'll give it a whirl. I feel lucky. You know, I reckon the additional weight of this loose change, probably slowed me down to the tune of about half an hour or so today.

Really?

Yeah, which would put my 'unencumbered' time at a very respectable 7 hours and 22 mins dead. Not bad at all, especially for a 20 stone, 36 year old, chain smoker. And,..bear in mind, that I stopped for a half hour or so, for a livener and a slash, up the side of the Cutty Sark en-route this morning. Without which, my time would be shaved down even further, to sub 7 hour level.

Very good.

Yeah, not too sloppy huh! Not bad for a fatty. Anyhow……enough about me. The Fruity is beckoning. I'll jog-on over and play I reckon. It's been nice talking to you....

,...Ha!..I've just thought of another good one for ya before I go. A 'What do you call a man,..?' joke. What do you call a tattoo'ed man in a tin foil cape and mask, who is jumping up and down, celebrating a small win on the fruity?

I dunno.

"Rustle (sic) Branded!!!" Hahahaha! Cheers mate,……...

*sipping his pint, walking over to the fruit machine*

Ahhhhhhhhh, the sweet sweet taste of nineteeen thousand three hundred and seventy seventh place!!

Captain Chaos' rating for the Lord Moon of the Mall - 9 / 10

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  “,….. Why didn’t they live to be 100?Huh? Well, they woz running round all day, hunting mammoths, eating berries,..rumping their little hearts out. No boozing or smoking. They must have been fit as fiddles. Yer Neanderthalls……….I’ll tell you why, it’s … Continue reading →