Sammy's (Teddington)

Kurt Sloan (Kickboxer)

,……..8 sets of narrow grip bar-bell curls, followed by 5 sets of concentration curls,... on each arm. And I do this every other day. As heavy as possible, obviously. Week in, week out, come rain or shine,..i'm punishing these puppies in the gym. *flexing, in a double-bicep pose* You don't get guns like these by kicking back watching Jeopardy eating chilli with your fingers, now do you Doc?!

Ha, anyhow, enough about me, what do you fancy?

A lager? Sure, no, that's fine. I mean,….you know best. Who am I, to be preaching to you about physical health? You're the physician not me. If you want a beer, then you can have a beer. Are you sure you want a beer?........Ok, you do, that's fine. You go girl. A large or a small?

A large? Well, why not. You obviously know your own limits. A large beer it is,……….and a small mango juice for me. My body is a temple.

Now Doc. It was good of you to come here tonight. I know that you are a very busy women and that Friday night is your own personal leisure time, but there is something that I urgently need to address with you and it is not the type of matter that can be discussed over the 'electric telephone' or with other people around. We are pretty safe in this place on that front. I've never seen anyone else in here, and the landlord keeps himself to himself.

Also, as you know. I am a very busy man myself. Every Monday to Friday between the hours of 9 and 5, I am always tied up. I am 100% committed to the task of avenging my brothers paralysis all week long, between those hours. Yes, I do take an hour for lunch every day, but then I imagine that you do the same. So you see, now at 9pm on a Friday night, is the only real time I have free.

Anyone calls me Mon to Fri between 9 and 5, and it's the voicemail for them: " Hi, it's Kurt Sloan, I can't come to the phone right now, I'm avenging. Please leave a message and I'll get back to you once my brothers paralysis has been fully avenged."

So you see. Weekdays are out.

Weekends,……..I hike.

Now Doc, please sit down. Let's go over here, at the back, underneath the plasma TV. As I said, there is no one else here, but the TV will drown out the sounds of our chat, just in case anyone does happen to walk in,..which is very unlikely,…but this is quite a delicate matter…..so l'd rather not take a chance.

That's it. Sit, sit,..here, allow me to pull out a seat for you. No problem. Ah, you're admiring my solid thighs I see. Yes, I do squats, twice a week, on Tuesdays and Fridays. I don't need to tell you Doc, that the quads are a huge muscle group and so need plenty of recovery time. Yes, don't worry Doc, I do use a supporting belt. What do you take me for, a madman?!

Cheers.

Now, as I said. This is a slightly delicate matter Doc. I know, that I DO look like a prime physical specimen, but things are not always what they seem, and there are some questions that I urgently need to ask you. In your professional capacity.

My forearms you say? Yes they are marvellous aren't they. All sinuey and vein. Bulging if you will. See, I do wrist curls every morning,..and that's not a euphemism for something else before you ask! Legitimate wrist-curls! I also have some of those spring loaded squeezy things that I grip whenever I get the chance. If you care to take a peek under the table right now, you'll notice that I am pumping one off with my left hand as we speak. Again,..that's not a euphemism. I am using the grip.

Ooops, you've dropped your purse. Allow me to pick it up for you. I am unbelievably flexible you know. I swear by both Yoga and Tai Chi. I really do not know where I would be without my daily lotus postion before bed,……..that and my 300 sit ups.

Ah, I see you toying with your hair, and smiling coquettishly,..and don't get me wrong Doc, I am very flattered and attracted to you too. Which in a way, brings us nicely to my point. The reason that I have asked you here today. See Doc,..i've a big problem. My deep sun tan, my shaved chest,..my herculean calves. They,..well Doc,..they all mean nothing see. I've,..i mean I don't have. Oh,..how can I put it Doc,…What was it Bugs Bunny says. 'Whats up Doc?'. Well that's it you see Doc. The answer to that, is 'nothing',……….ever! So, what I want to ask is, do you know any exercises that,…? I mean, is there anyway that I can increase the size of my,..i mean I am deficient in the…..i am lacking a,….....oh f*ck it Doc,…….I've no willy.

Kurt Sloan's rating for Sammy's - 7 / 10

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