Fareham (in Fareham)

Dr Ian Malcolm (Jurassic Park)

Dr Malcolm: You’ve heard of chaos theory?.... Non linear equations?.... Strange attractions? 

....no?....OK, I'll explain.

Y’see, South West Trains doesn’t obey set patterns or timetable schedules. It’s the essence of chaos.

Strumpet: I’m still not clear on chaos.

Dr Malcolm (smiling cutely): Oh it simply deals with the predictability of a complex system. The shorthand is the butterfly effect…. A butterfly flaps its wings in Peking and I get short measured in a pub near Portsmouth…

* He grasps her hand, stares into her eyes and gently curls her golden locks. *

Am I going too fast?..... I am….I’m going to fast.

Now give me that pint of Fosters top. We’re going to conduct an experiment.

Put your hand out flat cup-cake. Like a hieroglyphic. Now let’s say a drop of lager falls on your hand. Which way’s the drop going to roll off?”

Strumpet: Oh, I dunno, via the thumb?

* the Dr places a drop of cool Fosters-top on her hand and - indeed - it drops the way she predicted *

Dr Malcolm: Aha, aha, Now freeze your hand. Don’t move. I’m going to do the same, start from the same place again again. Which way is it going to run off?

Strumpet: Same way?

* it doesn’t, the lager drips down the other side *

Dr Malcolm-Brundle-Fly (in triumph): Aha!... Why? Because...tiny variations. The orientation of hairs on your hand; the amount of blood in your vessels, tiny imperfections in your skin, filth in the pint glass….”

Strumpet: Imperfections in my skin?

Dr Malcolm (ignoring her):....never repeat and thus affects the outcome;

That’s chaos theory!

Strumpet: Erm …. Right ….. so what exactly is your point?

Dr: Malcolm: Oh for f*cks sake. You asked me why I come to The Fareham when I bought you that Fosters top and told you that I neither live nor work anywhere close by. Chaos is the reason.

South West Trains should deal with predictability, set timetables and ordered patterns. But it doesn’t. It’s chaotic.

And because of that unpredictability I could be filling time in either a despicable Cosham boozer or a despicable Fareham boozer before my much-cancelled connection to Basingstoke Technical College from Brighton each day.

Now depending on how many I’ve sunk en route, I’ll either stagger to the left or the right when I leave the train station. Chaos theory in action once more. Today it’s to the left because I know The Fareham is the least offensive pub within ten minutes of the station. On another night, I might go right and to the abysmal Harvester because I wouldn’t be thinking straight….you see, tiny imperfections……

Geddit? Good. Now are we going back to your place for a bunk-up or what?

Strumpet: The lack of humility before nature that's being displayed here, uh... staggers me.

Dr Ian Malcolm’s rating for the Fareham – 8 / 10

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• Natural Selection,..

  “,….. Why didn’t they live to be 100?Huh? Well, they woz running round all day, hunting mammoths, eating berries,..rumping their little hearts out. No boozing or smoking. They must have been fit as fiddles. Yer Neanderthalls……….I’ll tell you why, it’s … Continue reading →