Teddington Arms (Teddington)

Columbo (Columbo)

*The lieutenant enters the recently re-done Teddington Arms, carrying his dog. LL Bowen is busy directing his refit troops,…Columbo holds his hand to his forehead in mock amazement,..struggling to maintain his hold on the dog.*

My wife won't believe this sir! Oh what a pleasure this is. She is a big fan of yours sir, I must say. My wife, she watches all your shows. I gotta say, you have given her some great ideas for the house. You, more than anyone else, are probably responsible for the way our lounge room looks now sir.

Oh yes, that's for sure. Thank you for that. Mrs Columbo never misses an episode of your show, what do you call it? 'Makeover Madness',…..Mr L-e-w-e-l-ly-n-Bowen as I live and breathe. What a pleasure sir.

You, and that Nude Cook,..Mr Oliver is it? She loves you two fellas. You two Limey life changers, if you don't mind me saying that?! You make her day.

Feng Shui, they call it don't they? What a thing that is sir! Who would have thought that the way the sofa is postioned could have such an effect on the way you feel? On your actual mental health sir! Honestly,..i cannot tell you what an impact the simple act of turning our welsh dresser about face and putting cushions around the TV has had on our life sir. It's been life changing Mr L Bowen I can tell you. That's for sure. And I don't say that lightly.

My wife, she always talks about you sir. About you and about that James Oliver. 'Move this table' she says,..'it will improve your lateral thinking'! 'Turn the coasters upside down' she says, 'it will open avenues for you in the workplace'. Try softening the basement with the use of fabrics! Ha! And that Oliver fello. What a man? My wife - she always tells me to 'eat less red meat'. "James Oliver says 'Eat less red meat!'" So, 'eat less red meat' she says, 'put some balsamic vinegar in your gravy' she says. And, do you know what sir,..it works!

The gravy that we have in our house sir, is magnificent. Even if I do say so myself. Obviously not a patch on the gravy that you serve, or will shortly be serving here, but every Sunday,..in our house,...marvellous gravy. What is it that the rappers say thesedays sir? 'All Gravy!' Yeah, that is what it is like in our house! All gravy. And good gravy at that.

And the dog! Oh don't talk to me about the dog sir! You can forget about it! The dog is a 'new' dog, so to speak sir, if you know what I mean! Since we have moved his sleeping basket into the hall as you suggested on your show, and since we started putting pesto into his Chum, as Mr Oliver recommended,…..well,...he is a changed man. A changed animal. Changed dog.

He used to be a lazy dog. You know,……sometimes it was hard for me to get him out of the car. I used to carry him most places. Not now sir, not now! The dog has so much energy now sir. You would not believe it. When I take him for his walk sir, I gotta tell you,..it's a case of who's walking who!! What a thing. Just look at him now!

*the dog lies asleep in Columbo's arms.*

You're busy sir, I know. And I am sorry for taking up so much of your time. But I just needed to speak to you. My wife will be so thrilled when I tell her.

You seem to have a long day ahead of you. I see that you are putting up pictures, installing new tables,..adjusting the lighting and distressing the furniture. What a phrase that is sir - 'distressing!' The new menu looks interesting as well so. Don't tell me, you are a fan of Mr Oliver too?!!

Haha! Mr Bowen, I'm sorry, I have taken up a lot of your time. Where are my manners sir? I am sorry, I will leave you to it. You obviously have a lot to do here.

The very best of luck to you with this venture. As I said sir, the menu looks fantastic, and I love the way that the bar staff act like waiters in a five star restaurant! Ha! You will have to explain to me next time just exactly what 'front of house' means!!

But for now, I will leave you to it. You are obviously a great and very busy man. It's been a pleasure. 
………………………………………………………..

Oh, Mr Bowen! Mr Bowen Sir!! Just one more thing……..Where were you on the night that this pub was killed?

Columbo's rating for the Teddington Arms - 5 / 10

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