Fulflood Arms (Winchester)

Garry Kasparov (Chess!)

I tell you what me old muckers, I loves a game of chess! It’s my favourite pastime in the whole wide world, if truth be told.

Another thing…. Without wishing to sound like I’m blowing my own trumpet, I have to tell you; I’m pretty darn good at it! You’ll need to get up pretty early in the morning to get a king-over on old Garry!

What’s my secret?

Well, I don’t like giving too much away, but I start with the premise attack, attack, attack. A bit like those bloomin’ yankie capitalists eh? Ha ha ha.

But a word of caution. Something else to consider when embarking on so noble a game; It’s a little like a game of chess. If you want to win; you’ve got to be smart as well as aggressive.

So firstly, I think hard. Only then do I move onto the game plan proper. Get your prawns up the board as quickly as possible, I usually say to myself. None of that moving up one square; “start with the double crustacean shuffle,” that’s my motto.

After my initial advance I tend to start positioning the old horseys; clearing board space for my castle-pieces.

Finally I move decisively – using my drunken, diagonal bishops - getting behind the opposition’s queen and giving her a good old bash.

* We haves a saying in the Urals about bashing your bishop. (I know this is a family site so I won’t go into details. But my speciality is bashing with my bishops. It’s stood me well against many an opponent I can tell you. *

Blimey! Too much info Garry. I’m giving away the Kasparov family jewels! Ha ha ha

Ahh, chess. Surely no one could deny what great fun it is. But I reckon a game of chess AND a decent English boozer with a pint of Fosters-top is probably the best thing in the world! Particularly if it comes with Carlsberg – not Fosters. Ha ha ha. Probably!

So you’ll understand that when I stumbled across the Fulflood Arms last week while searching for a place to ‘entertain’ a young chess groupie I couldn’t believe my luck.

In a town slated (by Falling Down the Pub) for its dreadful boozers, the Fulflood certainly comes highly recommended by those in the so-called know. A favourite of Camra and nicely positioned in the Good Pub Guide no less.

My first impressions were similarly positive. Nice décor, decent layout and no Stalinists lurking in the corner. Plus there, by a table (by jingo) a bunch of games! Jenga, dominoes and yes, my beloved, favourite - chess!

Full of cheer, I went to the bar to order a drink for me and the strumpet. I had it all planned. Booze a bit, impress her with my chess prowess then later, position my king in her castle.

I was a happy man alright. But my mood was about to change and quickly.

The barmaid – a porcine thing with angry eyes - stood alone at the bar. Busy she was not. Initially, I had no problem as she snaffled crisps and scowled. I know that’s the tradition with the barmaids in your country.

But, bearing in mind her ‘doing f-all’ disposition what I didn’t expect was the canvas that greeted us at the table. A regular smorgasbord of crisps, sticky beer and pub detritus. When I checked other tables nearby, they too were ‘decorated’ with filth.

There was no way I could place such a noble playing board upon such a foul and rancid object. And so we balanced our chess pieces on the sofa between us. Far from ideal.

I won’t go into detail. Suffice it to say, distracted by filth it started to go wrong. A vicious counter attack left me queenless, horsey-less and staring defeat in the face. If it hadn’t been for the ‘accidental’ tip-up, old Garry surely would’ve lost the game. My first defeat in years. I apologised, but my bird was far from impressed.

And so to my review, and a word to pub landlords from your frustrated post-Soviet reviewer. You may have gained the favour of Camra; you may enjoy an entry in the Good Pub Guide; the real ales may be sweet and the toilets clean. And your boozer might house the most heavenly chess board in the world.

But if your lazy barmaid can’t be bothered draping an occasional cloth across the filthy tables between mouthfuls of Quavers, then this grand master ain't gonna be making any more moves here, either on the boards or on the broads.

Check mate.

Garry Kasparov’s rating for the Fulflood Arms - 2 / 10

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