Warwick Castle (Clapham Junction)

Her Majesty (The Queen)

One loves a bit of rough! ha ha ha.

It was my grandson Harry who first introduced one to this castle in Clapham. Early one morning he came bounding into one's bedroom, all snotty nosed, wearing his nazi jim-jams.

'Yah grandma,' he brayed. 'Since one's not going to war any more even though one's a soldier, I thought you and one could spend some time together tonight. One and some chums are going to drink some 'beer' in the Warwick Castle. It's a jolly-old place don't you know. What what.'

One was a little confused, still recovering after the previous night playing Katie Melua with Phil. He'd taken one half way up the Hindu Kush (if one knows what one means) and one still had the helicopters from the tequila slammers.

One rebuked Harry unnecessarily, must have misheard. Of course one knows the castle in Windsor, one retorted sternly. Big fire there and all that. Lost lots of stuff

'Noooo grandma, you don't understand ya,' he droned on. 'The Warwick Castle is a pub! Ya, it's got beer and wine and all sorts of working class characters.

And here's another thing. Well y'know how one used to like soccer?' he said all public schoolily. 'Well, that was for the rif-raf. Ya. One's a real rugger fan now….c'mon the scrum!.....And England are playing the Harlequinno Ra Ras tonight on the Castle's big screen. That Johnny Wilkinson will be sticking his jolly-old rump out like a real man!'

Castle's big screen? Wilkinson's rump? One still didn't know what he was talking about. But one was too hungover to complain.

Well, to cut a long story short, that night, we went. England lost. Harry got drunk and avoided the war. Wills was there too, hot foot from a night on the streets with his entourage. Another soldier at a loose end. 

So what did one think? One loved it. So much so, that one became hooked with the place.

After that first night you couldn't keep one away with a sh***y grouse-beater.

You see, here's the thing, my little subjects. The Windsor Castle is a castle in Windsor owned by one, fully restored thanks to your taxes. The Warwick Castle is the name of a pub in Clapham.

And like one said. It's a bit rough.

One doesn't come here every night. Maybe three or four times a week for a "solo" or two, while Phil the Greek practises his German. One's now a big fan of its cheap lager, two quid burgers and big screen.

And it's got all the flags of the countries hanging round the walls. Countries one used to own.

The Queen's rating for the Warwick Castle – 7 / 10

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