Tiger Tiger (Piccadilly)

Frodo Baggins (Lord of the Rings)

He really is a terrible Bumpkin, that Sam.

On a mission like this, you don’t need a geezer like that cramping your style.

For gods sake - “Oooh, Mister Frodo” this! “Oooooh Mister Frodo” that! Sometimes you’ve gotta do things on your own.

This is one of those things. This is one of those times.

I’m a “Sexual Metro” hobbit ya see  – A dynamo, I can’t sit still. If it were left to him, we’d just have a coupla Fosters (in that dump – The George) and then head home and blow smoke rings in each others faces whilst watching re-runs of Jurassic Park on Sky.

Balls to that!

I’m a player (hobbit), a geezer (hobbit), I’ve extra fingers and toes, just kicking around waiting for action, I need to work-it baby.

So, I had to leave him, there was nothing on offer where we were. Nothing for a wee chap like me. So, I told him that I was off to the bogs, and then jumped in a black cab to Tiger Tiger. It’s where all the action is, apparently.

“Oooooh, The Quest!”

Once there though, I realised that it weren’t easy. The doorman had a system (seemed a bit silly to me, considering it was still daylight, but hey!). They were getting us in Two-by-Two, like that fella,..Noah.

Thinking on my feet (my hairy feet) I grabbed a likely looking lady and promised her a half bottle of Blue Nun if she’d walk in with me. She agreed, telling me how she was from a place called Ass-sex, I thought that it was a little early, but said I would bear it in mind for later.

So we walk in and get served. Sure enough, once she’s had her wine, she’s off. Fair play to her, plenty more fish and all that!

Anyway, I’m solo, the way I like it. Multi-levelled, tourists, short skirts everywhere and action to be had. These bottles are pricey, but it adds to the image don’t it. A bottle looks way smoother than a pint in anyone’s book, surely!

I chin a couple quickly to get my Hobbit Mo-Jo going, and then I’m all over it.

After a quick mission (demi-quest) to explore all the levels, I decide that the bar by the second floor dancefloor is the place for me, and I start to make some moves, slowly jigging on the spot. Beginning with a few hand movements, I build to a sway of the hips, and afore you know it, I’m up on my table,..Doin a real number on em!

*Takes me back to the craic we had at the curry night at The Ivy Bush last year. Sloshed on Sambuca’s and Brandy wine we were, (Geez,..The next day!). Talk about Ring,…Phew,..I was certainly not Lord over mine that day!*

After a minute or two, I leap down and start to work the dancefloor.

Who needs a 'Wing-Hobbit', when you’ve moves like these! Check it!

So I start to do my Running Man, "Oooooh yeah baby,….Fresh!”

The crowd are loving it.

I leap into the air and land on my hands,..Pulling it smoothly, straight into The Caterpillar. I’m singing,..”It’s your birthday, it’s your birthday, gonna party like it’s your birthday!”, Really haulin em in!

A ring of people start to form around me, clapping, urging me on. “Who’s the daddy?!” I’m shouting. The ring is getting bigger and bigger....

,...Oh god, I’m not feeling well now, I’ve got the strangest feeling. Better stop, I need some water.

*Breaks through the crowd apologising*

Phew that was strange, guess I’m getting a bit too old for The Caterpillar. Still, a quick "Aqua Con Gas" should set me straight.

*Slurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp* Ah, that’s better. Oh look, some ladies seem to have followed me to the bar:

“Bonsoir chichitas! What can I do for you?”

“We saw your moves and thought you were out of this world!”

“Little do you know ladies,..Little do you know,……Listen, are you from Ass-Sex?,..(Yes)…Care to join me for some Blue Nun?”

Nasty, I know, but I can’t help myself. Thinking about Sam, sitting back in The George,…………He really is a terrible Bumpkin.

I said that I’d give him a ring later.....Fat chance!

Frodo’s rating for Tiger Tiger – 10 / 10

Rolosocosy

Samwise Gamgee's review of The Rocket

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• Natural Selection,..

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