Masons Arms (Teddington)

Rudolp the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Well,..that appraisal went appallingly! But, then again they always do. And I'm still in the job ain't I...

I'm on my final written warning, so he tells me. 'Buck' your ideas up' he said, 'ho ho ho!' But he told me that last year and the year before that. Silly old fool barely remembers his own name thesedays.

'Permanently stinking of booze' he reckons, 'letting the side down' he said, and yeah, he's possibly right. I will have to tone it down for the time being, but Father X always forgets about these bollockings in the long run, and I should be sweet to kick back again come new year. 

We always have our appraisals around about this time. Old 'Papa Smurf' reckons that it gives us added incentive to excel during the extra busy period at Christmas. 

Always makes me laugh, when he comes out with that old chestnut. 'Extra Busy Period'. Just what does he think we actually do for the rest of the year? Dry runs?!

Ha ha ha! That senile old duffer.

This job, has of course, got to be the cushiest number going (up there with the J Lo nipple-tweaking gig). Anyone with half a brain can see that. A realistic job advert for this role would read as follows:

"Sprightly reindeer needed to help pull sleigh for yuletide delivery.
Job consists of one insanely busy delivery day and 364 days of f*ck all,……..with full associated benefits." 

To be fair. I'm a lazy bastard, and if I saw that Ad, I'd probably be put off by the 'one insanely busy delivery day' part, and also by the use of the word 'sprightly'. But, you'll also notice the word 'help' in the advert. Yes, what it fails to mention, is that the 'insanely busy day' is only 'insanely busy' for 'the team', not necessarily for 'the individual'! Especially, a smart individual like myself. They say that there is no 'I' in 'Team'. Damn right! There is certainly no 'Me' in this one!

As long as you have your wits about you, it's easy to swerve any serious labour in this job, especially when you are surrounded by do-gooders like those two stupid fckers Donner and Blitzen. Pair of 'busy' cnuts I call them. They are like the 'Neville brothers' of the team,..you know - talentless but they try hard and keep to bosses ring-piece polished to within an inch of it's life. Look up 'sprightly' in the dictionary and you'll find that it says 'needlessly busy; Donner and Blitzen'.

Whereas I,...on the other hand, liken myself to the little cocks(sic) that they have in the university boat race. I've f*ck all physical prowess, but I'm mentally agile. I am quite happy to bark out the directions, but don't be passing me no f*cking oar!!

Hahahahaha! I just coast.

I mean, for godsake, we reindeer don't even have to help out packing the sleigh up - not being able to grasp things, having no opposable thumbs. Nothing beats watching Santa's team of little helpers, beavering away, huffing and puffing in the cold, lugging gear from the warehouse to sleigh, whilst kicking back with a sherry, tugging on a Marboro, outside the boozer. 

Hahaha! Yep it's a cushy old number, alright. Mustn't let this one go. I've just gotta keep a lid on the old boozing,..at least for the time being. One more Croft Original I reckon,…a quick gargle with the old Listerine, and then I best get back and show my face. Anyone comments on the old 'rosy' nose again, and I tell em it's a recurence of the old sinusitis.

Hahahaha! 'Some would even say it glows'. Maybe best to pick up some concealer from Boots en route as well.

Rudolph's rating for The Mason's Arms - 9 / 10

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