Barmy Arms (Twickenham)

Borat (Cultural Learnings,...)

Jak sie masz? Hello English friends. My name a Borat. Pronounce B O R A T, like a English name a Richard. Or Dick.

I come to London to learn about drinking and sports and about English pub. Very nice. 'Cup of tea vicar'?

Hahaha! High five!

Please see below, my reportings on typical English pub - The Barmy Arms - in town called a Twickenham, in the middle of sex. Chekoui!

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Welcome to Barmy Arms pub on a Saturday 'teatime' in the English spring. It is a cold Rugby match day. The England team, they play this Rugby, the match, against a country where the team, they are All a Black people. England they a lose a the match. Large margin.

But,..the Englishmen (all 'Vanilla Faces'), they a celebrate anyway. In public house afterwards - the Barmy Arms - they sing and dance,..take a much drink. It is all men. I like very much.

The weather it is very cold on this day. How you say? Like balls on monkey made of brass. But everyone at Barmy Army public houses, is outside in back of pub. It a very small public house inside, but very large garden,..you call it patio,..Pat, like Steve. It very busy place this day, and everyone they drink a lot. It a crazy atmosphere, very much like the festival of running of the Jew, back home in my village.

I meet a man. He called Rupert. He has the collar turned up on his sporting shirt.

Rupert, he very drunk and funny. He notice my moustache from across the patio and he laugh. Rupert point out my moustache to his friends, and they all like too.

Rupert then stumble over and put his arm round me, quite hard. He squeeze real friendly. I like a very much. Rupert then make a burp in my face and laugh again.

I say to Rupert. 'I like you Rupert, do you like me'?

Rupert say that he like a me, and we wrestle a little. Rupert then put a me in friendship headlock and tug on my moustache. When I almost pass out. Rupert let me go and pat me on back, like a real man. Rupert's friends they all a laugh more. I laugh too. This remind me very much of old tradition back in Kazakastan where the groom - the man who will get married - he wrestle all his friends in male sauna on his wedding night.

We all laugh some more.

Rupert invite me drink with him and his friends. His fellow buggers.

I say that this is very kind, and that I will drink a Foster's.

Rupert and friends they laugh some more, and call me 'Andy', a man with a shandy in his belly. Rupert say that Foster's beer, it is how you say,..'Water like piss'.

I say, that 'no'. I have had Foster's beer before, with some English football fanatics, when I do a similar reportings from Kilburn - in Irish village in London. I explain that it very nice; this Foster's, and that I take it with 'Top'.

Everybody laugh some more. And shouta things like 'Southern puffters' and about men called a 'Nancy Boys' and 'Jessie'.

Rupert then explain that real men drink REAL beer. 'Ale' he a call it. Rupert tell me that he will a buy me one of these 'Ales.' I say 'very nice',..with 'Top' please. Rupert laugh and give me friendly punch on arm, then he go get my drink from the bar.

When he return, Rupert give me drink and say that it is from the Hen with the Speckles. "Like a chicken, who has, how you say, 'acne'", I say!? Rupert laugh, say 'no', and tell me to drink all this 'Acne Chicken' in one go.

So, I do as Rupert suggest, and finish drink all in one mouth. WHAAAAAAAT?! It disgusting!!

Afterwards, I do a burp, and the drink, it all come straighta back up. Like you say 'Projecting Vomits'.

The puke, it a covered all of Rupert and his friends.

They all make laughter, make best of situation, in the English fashion with stiff up in their lips. They say things like 'well done Borat', 'get in there Borat', and ''who is round is it?' Then,….all of sudden, Rupert, he shout, 'de-bang him!' and they all jump onto me fast, and put me in a, how you say, 'scrum'.

These men, they all bend over, and they hold each other around shoulders and through legs. There is 'ale' spilling all over them. The men at the back, they laugh and shout as they grab the 'hram' of the men in front of them. Then they grunt and push,…all on top of each other…with me in the middle. I laugh.

Hahahahaha, 'Sexytime' in the Barmy Army,...what fun!!! I like these, how you say 'buggers of ruggers'.

I like sex.

Great success.

Borat’s rating for the Barmy Arms – 10 / 10

Rolosocosy

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