Bert & Ernie (Sesame Street)

Abercorn Arms (Teddington)

Ernie: Hi, there mate. We're Ernie and Bert and we are new to the area.

Mel: Hi there yourself, I'm Mel and I’m not.

Bert: Did you know that Mel starts with the letter "M"?

Mel: Yes.

Ernie: Yes! Yes starts with the letter "Y"

Mel: True. What can I get you?

Ernie: And True starts with the letter "T"

Mel: What’s your point?

Bert: Where we come from, this is small talk.

Mel: Well, where I come from, this is pointless. If you'll excuse me, I've got to go serve around the other side.

Bert: Other side!

Ernie: The 'O' word.

Ernie: No Mel, wait a minute, not the ‘O’ word! Anything but the ‘O’ word. *ringing on the counter bell* We would like to order some drinks.

Mel: Ok *turning around*, that’s better. So what can I get you two gentlemen?

Ernie: Well, I’ll take a beer I think Mel. Yes, a pint of Strongbow for me I reckon. And for you Bert?

Mel: If I can just interrupt you there? You know that Strongbow is a cider not a beer.

Ernie: A cider! Is that right?

Mel: The ‘C’ word.

Ernie: Yes, yes, the ‘C’ word, I’ve heard it mentioned a few times with reference to us since we’ve been in the area.

Ha! I guess we must look like cider drinkers huh Bert!! Seems like it must be our destiny to order it. And who are we to argue with fate? So,..Strongbow for Me, it is please Mel.*to Bert* I would be interested to know what a cider tastes like actually.

Mel: Cider is made from apples, if you’re interested.

Bert: ‘A’

Mel: I said that a cider is made from apples.

Bert: Yes, yes I heard you. ‘A’, apples begins with ‘A’.

Mel: Oh,….I’ve had enough of this *starts walking through to the other side of the bar*.

Ernie: No Mel, sorry please. Let us place the order. Two pints of Strongbow please.

Mel: Ok, two pints of Strongbow it is. Coming right up.

Ernie: *to Bert* Apples you say. Well that sure is great. What about that Bert? Who would have thought it. Apples! Fruit! Next thing you know they’ll be making booze from grapes!!
*Mel smiles, shaking his head, and walks through to the other side of the bar to pull the pints.*

Bert: ‘Who would have thought’ is true. And ‘who would have thought’ that we would find this little gem of a pub tucked away down this side street?

Ernie: Well, that’s you Bert. You must take the credit for that. Since we’ve moved to this area, you have managed to ‘sniff out’ all the best places. You must give yourself your dues.

Bert: Yes, yes I suppose I must. I really do have a ‘nose’ for these things I guess.

Ernie: That you do Bert, that you do! You certainly do have ‘a nose’. Speaking of which,..GIVE IT HERE!!!

*Ernie, leans over, pulls Bert’s nose off and legs it towards the toilet whilst waving it around.*

Bert: *muffled* Hey! You little bastard. You bring that back here right now! This minute!

Ernie: Not ‘this’ minute, but yes, in ‘A’ minute Burt *laughing*,..once I’ve had this piss. *disappears through the toilet doors*

*Mel comes back round with the pints*

Mel: That will be six pounds sixty please mate. *clocks Berts face*. Blimey, what happened to you?!

Bert: Ah, it’s nothing *hastily covering the area where his nose should be*, I just look a little different in profile. In this light, you know.

Mel: Profile huh? Light? Whatever. You guys are a little freaky. So,…six pound sixty it is.

Bert: Ah! *speaking through his hand which is held to his face*. About that….. I don’t have any money on me at the moment. My friend Ernie is the one with the purse.

Mel: Oh, Ernie wears the trousers does he? Ernie carries the purse! Well, where is the little fella?

Bert: Ah, well, he just ran to the toilet and should be back at any second. He had an urgent need to, you know,..’powder my nose’.

Mel: Powder ‘YOUR’ nose!!?

Bert: Yeah, you know. The ‘P’ word!,……..

,……..*a short uncomfortable silence follows, and then Bert shouts in the direction of the toilets* AND DON’T FUCKING WAVE IT AROUND IN THERE!!

Mel: You took the words right outa my mouth mate.

Ernie & Bert's rating for the Abercorn Arms - 10 / 10

Rolosocosy