Gallery (West Hampstead)

Napoleon Dynamite

Dear Gallery Owners/Managers/Staff (you tell me)?!

I am writing to you to enquire about the possibility of reserving an area for the duration of the whole of the afternoon on Saturday 3rd October. Why? Because it will be my BIRTHDAY!!!!! Thank you for your congratulations.

Yes, i will be turning 37 in the very near future, and I thought that I would mark the occasion by celebrating this momentous day, by patronising your establishment with some of my nearest and dearest friends, for a 'session to end all sessions' (we will be needing the area from 1pm to at least 4.30pm)!!

I cannot wait! But I do have a few questions in advance.

The good thing about birthdays, as you undoubtedly know, is that they never change. They are always on the same day each year - which enables one to plan with a great degree of certainty. *Unless you are the Queen that is; where you can choose any date you like for your SECOND birthday (lucky her)!! But then again, I do not imagine that the Queen would have anyone querying arrangements for her second birthday, SHOULD she choose to change them a short notice. She is after-all our beloved monarch and ruler of all she surveys.

Sadly though, I am not a Queen, and so am thus forced to diarise and plan my birthdays like any other of her dear subjects. I am therefore leaving no stone unturned in my preparations for this day. And I have (provisionally) chosen your bar as the venue (pending answers).

Birthdays are also special aren't they?! If you cannot spend a little extra and do something a little more extravagant and different on your birthday, then when can you!? Should you (Gallery Owners/Managers/Staff) be able to accommodate my reservation request, then rest assured that my friends and I, will come down on the 3rd, absolutely awash with cash, and keen to consume copious amounts of your famous £5 a pint Leffe! I personally, am planning to bring at least 30, if not 40 pounds to fund the festivities!!

Another thing, by way of planning - BBC on-line tells me that the forecast for the 3rd October in West Hampstead is set to be, 'moderate to fair with sunny spells and the chance of scattered showers'. Can I therefore confirm that the outside area, that I believe you have (by the Tube tracks) will be available for smoking (and the like) should mother nature be so kind as to smile on us on this, my biggest of days?! I always like to 'smoke a real fatty' on the 'Anniversary of Me', as I like to call it!!

,............Can I ask you a further question on the subject of music? Will there be music?

My friends and I like a dance and a sing-song when we get together. Will your venue be able to accommodate such dancing? And will your staff members be interested in joining in a sing-song? Please confirm.

For your information - our musical tastes are both modern and eclectic, which i am led to believe from your propaganda, is the sort that you play in your establishment. Perfect. Since your musical tastes, so obviously coincide with our own, you are doubtlessly fully 'kitted-out' with all the necessary auditory equipment. However, DO let me know if you would like me to bring down any additional instruments with me on the day. I have a bass guitar, drums and enough maracas for 3 to 4 people. Just let me know.

Another thing. Do you think that i should reserve a taxi home now? And if so, do you have the necessary contacts to do so on my behalf (on a provisional basis)? i.e. Do you have a favourite company that you use ('West Hampstead Cabs' - I'm guessing!)? Please let me know, ideally with a quote, as i would like to ensure that everything runs smoothly on the day.

As I said, I will not be tied down to a fixed departure time, as I am aiming to really let my hair down,..however, as an American 'ball-park' estimate, I would say that we will be needing home-bound transportation at some point between 4.30 and 5.10pm. I cannot be more precise than that at this juncture. Sorry.

Pending answers to all the above questions I should like to make a provisional booking to reserve an 'area' for 3 people for the afternoon of Saturday 3rd October. 2 members of the party are currently un-confirmed, however I will certainly let you know firm numbers in good time. For the purposes of this reservation though, please assume that the booking is for a firm number of up to 3 people (of which 2 are unconfirmed).

Also,..now that I think, and we are on the subject of friends. Do you have any sharing platters on your menu, that I could provisionally order now - eg Nachos? Needless to say, there is a possibility that should I place this provisional order, it may need to be cancelled at short notice at the last minute, due to the unpredictability of the numbers (mentioned above), however, presumably though, the cancellation of an order of Nachos can be accommodated, since these can simply be put back in their bag? *I take it that this will therefore incur no up-front cost???

Ok, that’s about it from me for now. I am very much looking forward to hearing back from you, specifically with answers to my questions concerning, area, outside smoking, music, dancing, cabs and nachos.

Once I have received satisfactory answers, we should be ‘all systems go’ for a wonderful birthday.

Oh, and by the way. On Sunday 4th (and as a finale to the 'sure to be', great weekend), we've planned a hunting day, and will be off in search of Wolverines in Queens Park! Any new friends we make in your establishment on the Saturday, will be more than welcome to join us for this follow-up 'fun' day. Please let your regular patrons know (this) in advance.

Please DO excuse all the questions. You will understand that I would just like everything to be perfect for the day, and I am unfamiliar with the venue, since I have never been in before, having always thought it looked sh*t.

Many thanks (and how exciting!)

Napoleon Dynamite

Napoleon Dynamite’s rating for the Gallery – 4/10 (provisional).

Rolosocosy

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  “,….. Why didn’t they live to be 100?Huh? Well, they woz running round all day, hunting mammoths, eating berries,..rumping their little hearts out. No boozing or smoking. They must have been fit as fiddles. Yer Neanderthalls……….I’ll tell you why, it’s … Continue reading →