Number 8 (Willesden)

Stephen Hawkings

I'm an ideas man aren't I? Everybody knows that.

"The universe is expanding." That was Me that was. Me of Me fame. Just one of my many vignettes,..my pearls of wisdom.

It's easy to come up with ground breaking theories concerning such huge concepts as time, space and the meaning of life, when you've a brain the size of mine and time on your hands. Couple that with the total lack of any kind of social life or commitments, and you'll realise why I can churn out such gems with the regularity of a metro-gnome(sic).

I also have some real funny one liners, that I can wheel out after a couple of pints. Ha ha ha!

"Metro Gnome!" See! I thought that one up last night whilst playing 4am on-line pool with some teenagers in Japan. Cos they are small little fellas ain't they? And they all live in cities,….Not bad huh!

Think about it. I spend my whole time, with a semi, stuck in the upstairs bedroom of my mums 2 bedroom semi in Dollis Hill. I've a lot of time to chew things over, but I also have hidden depths. Of humour.

"Knock Knock, who's there? A Black Hole. A Black Hole Who,………What the f*ck? Where did he go? There's nothing there!!" Ha ha! That's another one of mine. Good one ain't it!.

In fact, most of my best ideas have come together up there in my little bedroom; joystick in hand, drifting off, halfway through a crust-less jam sammich, whilst staring at my Superman wallpaper, waiting for niche M-pegs to download. But it does get boring, the solitude. It is boring isn't it.

"We are just an advanced breed of monkeys on a minor planet of a very average star. But we can understand the Universe. That makes us something very special."

That one was me as well. Cashback! What I particularly like is the way I simultaneously manage to both beat-down and exhult humanity in a single phrase there. Yeah humans! Ooooooooh aren't we stupid,……but on the otherhand,…Ooooh aren't we brilliant too!

I'm a people person, Me, although I prefer them at a distance. Light years preferably!

Ha! I'm joking again of course.

And that's the point you see, I both love and abhor humanity. Part of me longs to leave the house, but another part of me despises the people that I am likely to meet once outdoors.

A 'halfway house' is what you need Stevey old boy, I hear you say. And you're right,…I need somewhere with the illusion of people, yet empty. Somewhere where I can interract,.. but in a vitual way, so that I can 'switch it all' off if need be. Somewhere where I can booze, obviously, to oil the wheels,..and ideally somewhere with the facility to pass out and get my head down if need be. Oh, and it's gotta be away from my mum.

So, as long as we are speaking of ideas. Here's one that manages to be both awful and utterly brilliant at the same time. My local - Number 8 in Willesden.

A 'bedroom away from your bedroom' is obviously the thinking behind this one. It's a pub, cum internet caf, cum youth hostel, cum night club. Covering bases left right and centre you'd think. Well you'd be right, but also so wrong. It's all so wrong, but right.

An intimidating looking, cavernous dark hovel, that plays deafening techno to a non existent audience, at all hours of the night and day. Number 8 in Willesden is truly an awful pub, cum half arsed internet caf, cum undoubtedly dispicable youth hostel, cum deserted night club. Just my kinda caper.

The universe is expanding. Or at least my social one is. Kicking back on-line playing Command and Conquer with a crate of Redbull beside me and sporting a pair of enormous earmuffs, in the back bar of the deserted Number 8, of a Tuesday afternoon,….is right up my alley. There's no one around, but the chatroom is full, and Stevey here is the life and soul of this Fondu party!

Time for another vodka Redbull methinks.

You know 'All the evidence shows that God was actually quite a gambler, and the universe is a great casino, where dice are thrown, and roulette wheels spin on every occasion.' But not even the All Mighty himself could test with Me when I am running the show on Pokerstars.com!

Brace yourself fellow punters, for the on-line legend that is 'Hawkeye Dollis Hill Steve' is about to join the table. Hold onto your wallets! Double click on 'yes',……….and you're in! 

As you can see - my universe it's expanding baby! But then again, as I said before,…………..I don't get out much.

Steven Hawkings' rating for Number 8 - 10 (0)/10.

Rolosocosy

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