Keyser Soze (The Usual Suspects)

Anglers (Teddington)

Why is it that nobody can get the name of my film right? I know I’m smarter than you guys but surely it’s not that hard to remember, is it? The film is not called All the Usual Suspects, or All of the Usual Suspects or Bring out all of the Usual Suspects. Just The Usual Suspects. Got that? Sure you have. In 10 minutes you’ll be telling the guy from Accounts that you read a review by the cripple from All of the Usual Suspects.

Anyhow, back to business. The last time you saw me was when you didn’t really see me. Because nobody ever sees me or even knows who I am. I’m a myth. A legend. I don’t exist. I can disappear in the blink of an eye. And in the blink of an eye you can watch the river go by in Teddington. Not really actually because time stands still here under the willows. Or it moves very slowly at least. And that suits me just fine these days.

I’ll let you in on a secret: I’m retired now. And what better place to retire than by the lock in sleepy Teddington. It’s a bit twee like Connecticut but I can be incognito and stay out of trouble. I was fed up of the quality of life in the inner-city so I moved South-west to chill out. Chillax. Tension is a killer. Nobody expects me to be 10 steps ahead of the game here but I still like to drink in the Anglers to doff my cap to the old days when I used to work the angles. Verbal. The man with the plan. The name of this pub reminds me of my former life in the fast lane. But it is also a cover because nobody expects a man who works the angles to drink in a pub called the Anglers. Nobody suspects what’s right in front of their eyes in broad daylight. A double bluff. Except that I don’t work the angles anymore so it’s more of a double double bluff. The joke’s on you, whichever way.

Another double bluff is my crippled leg. Yes, I am really a cripple. My leg is so spastic and withered its ridiculous. So the easy garden access into the Anglers is a bonus for me. My guess is that it’s also a bonus for families with prams and buggies. This doesn’t mean much to me because I’m kinda always on my own for fear of exposure. But if you’re a family man then just you push your pram over the bridge, down the ramp and into the garden for a bottle of Pear Bulmers or six.

There’s a playground in the garden which is a bit of a kid magnet but the garden has a cordoned-off area for adults only. That’s where I sit. I don’t have kids because their DNA could be traced back to me.

In summertime of a weekend they do a hog roast in the garden: a massive pig on a spit. I mean orca fat. They start cooking and turning him nice and early at about 10am. It’s very reassuring to know that someone is cooking the side order for your booze whilst you’re still tucked up in bed. By the time you rock up to the Anglers at 11am with the thirst, they’re ready for you. Roast pork with stuffing, crackling and apple sauce - all in a bap for £6.25. Sure is a bargain and it’s the best food they have here, I kid you not.

Talking of swine, let me share a little story with you. I’m pretty smart as you know. Kobayashi under the mug and all that. But I came over from LA a while back and I heard the people in London were meant to be extra smart. So I walked into The Royal Oak in Ham to test out the theory. Ham is just a short walk over the bridge from the Anglers. Anyhow, there was a young lady serving in there. She was a bit of a piglet herself. Anyways, “Swine Flu” was big in the news that day and she was reading a newspaper with something about Swine Flu as the headline. So she reads this headline out loud and then she says:

“Swine Flu, eh? Who comes up with these names?”
And then someone at the bar has to explain to her that all pigs are actually part of the Swine family. And that’s why it’s called Swine Flu. Unbelievable.

As far as the other food in The Anglers goes.... the fish finger sandwiches are popular. But at £6.50 they’ll always lose an eat-off with the hog roast. Just because Jamie Oliver came up with the idea doesn’t mean it should be £6.50, right? Same price as a steak sandwich. Wall’s fish fingers for christssakes. 12 for £2.50.

I recommend skipping the rack of ribs here by the way. The ribs are small and the bbq sauce isn’t like your momma used to make it. By the way, they celebrated American Independence day in the Anglers a couple of weeks back. Promoted it with all kinds of flyers and flags in the beer garden. But they didn’t do anything different for the occasion. They just had the same ole burgers and ribs on offer, like they always do. Sometimes they have buffalo burgers on as a ‘Special’, served from a little bbq cabin in the garden. But buffalo burgers taste just the same as beef burgers, don’t they? At least they do over in here in London, England. Damned if I can tell the difference.

I don’t care much for the beer in the Anglers either. All the summer ales are flat as a Denny’s pancake and even the London Pride isn’t worth a dollar. Once they had a Twickenham Fine Ale on as a guest (with a green and white label – “Naked Ladies” I think it was called). It was the only good bitter they’ve ever served. By the way the bar-ladies always leave the pints a bit short so you have to ask for a top-up. A bit like asking for a re-fill of Joe. The Fruli is the best thing on tap here, period. You might feel like a bit of a homo asking for a strawberry-flavoured beer and you’ll probably only want to drink a couple of em before moving on to something else, but its pretty good stuff. It is £4.50 however. That’s around $10. Best wait for someone else’s round. And it’s only really a summer drink. But then this pub is all about the summer.

In the winter you might be better off in the Tide End next door. No kids in there because they’re all in here. The Tide End makes a handy exit route as well. I leave the Anglers through the front entrance. No-one recognises me because nobody expects a criminal mastermind to leave through the front door in broad daylight. After leaving the Anglers I head diagonally through the little car park and straight into the back of the Tide End. Perfect if you’re trying to shake off the feds.

Yeah, I wouldn’t drink in the Anglers in the wintertime. If it rains then all the parents wheel their lame-ass buggies up the ramp and into the conservatory area. Once that happens you’re in deep sh*t. All their little toddlers start running around everywhere and you won’t be able to concentrate to read the obituary column in the Richmond Informer. Bring back McManus, that’s what I say. With his sniper rifle he can pick off the little fellas one by one. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Oswald was a fag.

I’m off now for one in the Tide End. My guess is that you’ll never see or hear from me again.

Keyser Soze's rating for The Anglers - 7/10. And like that, he’s gone.

SAVAGE CHEYNE