Victoria (Hackney)

Roy Batty (Blade Runner)

Mortal coils are wrapped pretty tightly when you’re a replicant. Yeah, I may be a touch highly strung but you’d be the same with only four years of life. Ah, so much potential, yet so little time…

Now I’ve seen some pretty amazing sh*t in my time; attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. C-beams glittering in the darkness at Tan Hauser Gate. All that old cobblers.

But let me tell you something; when it comes to exploring the universe, the moments I really treasure are those spent finding decent boozers in London - with my extraordinarily-thighed buddy Pris.

You’ll understand then, why someone trying to make ‘the best of it’ with a limited time budget, will want to embrace every pub experience. And why it comes as such a let-down when a potentially decent London boozer lets itself so badly down..

So you’ll also forgive me – I assume - for wanting to dangle the landlord at the Victoria from the top window by his gonads. Because his pub has great potential. But he’s using that old chestnut - the current economic climate - as an excuse for treating his customers with contempt.

Firstly a statement; the only squeeze I want during a recession is the one I get each night from those glorious athletic thighs.

Secondly, let me ask you this question: do you think it’s acceptable to serve a Nexus-6 a burger that costs more than a tenner, without chips or salad? That’s right, just a sorry looking burger for ten quid.

Then, when I have the audacity to complain, to tell me that it’s ‘down to the recession mate’? After all he has to ‘make a profit from somewhere’?

Now I’m going to die in a moment or two, so I definitely won’t be coming back to this capital khasi. But I implore you to do the same – swerve the boozer that is, not die prematurely.

Roy Batty’s rating for the Victoria – 2 / 10

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• Natural Selection,..

  “,….. Why didn’t they live to be 100?Huh? Well, they woz running round all day, hunting mammoths, eating berries,..rumping their little hearts out. No boozing or smoking. They must have been fit as fiddles. Yer Neanderthalls……….I’ll tell you why, it’s … Continue reading →