Worlds End (Camden)

Detective Nick Curran (Basic Instinct)

Feel that. That’s Cashmere baby,.."smooth as a Spaniel's ear". I’ve got a good feeling about this evening,...you’re gonna get it tonight.

You ever notice where the "V" is pointing on a V Neck sweater?  That’s right, down baby down. "Accentuate and exaggerate" I say. Look where it’s pointing. Look! That’s right. It’s pointing to my groin.

 Slick.

They say that it’s a great place for a guy to meet ladies. London, that is. I’m about to find out.

I’m feeling in the mood for a Grungy chick, I reckon. I’m off blondes at the moment, finding them a bit too schitzo for my tastes recently. A nice dark-haired goth should do me fine. They tell me that you find all sorts, in Camden. Guess that’s as good a place as any to start.

I’m a chameleon, I can adapt to any environment. A navy V-Neck, beige chinos and deck shoes, is a classic combo, as much at home in a techno, as it is in a gentleman’s club.

So when I enter The Worlds End, I’m confident, exuding American panache and charisma,…

We’ll it certainly is a dirty place this pub, filthy in fact, but I can get down and dirty with the best of em. I make my move to the bar. “I’ll take a mojito” I say.

“Mojito?” Says the barman.

“Yeah, extra lime and easy on the sugar”

“Tell you what, why don’t I take it easy on both the lime, the sugar and all the other ingredients, whatever they maybe! Pint or a half?”

So I take a pint and a half of beer. No point in making a scene, although if I was back on my patch that guy would have been in cuffs by now.

I was still contemplating an arrest, when the barman came back over:

"Sorry If I was a trifle brusque there, old bean," he said.

I told him that I was not interested in any food.

"No mate!" he said, "I'm just saying sorry for being a bit rude, a little abrupt."

"Oh,..That’s ok", I said, "No problem pal."

"You see, the thing is, it’s true", he continued, resting his elbows on the bar in front of me. "All the differences they talk about,.. What is it they say? Two countries separated by, the Atlantic ocean. I say tomato, you say tomato and all that.  A sidewalk? That’s a pavement here. Trash? That’s rubbish. You wouldn't order a mojito in a pub, a pub is not strictly a bar. It just goes on and on."

"Listen", he said. "I can tell that you're a man of the world and all that, can I ask you if you're gonna try and nab yourself a lady here tonight?"

"Well, I thought I might dip my toe in the English waters, so to speak, yes" I replied knowingly.

"I thought as much, thought as much!" He said. "Listen, tell you what – You'd kill them ladies, if you just made the effort to use a bit of "English" English on em. A bit of that, in combination with that jumper, well, you can't fail!"

"Sure pal", I said, "Good thinking! Please enlighten me…"

And so this kind English chap proceeded to teach me a few key phrases, a few real "Money" words, to make me a hit with the English ladies.

"You're almost ready to make your move," he says, "Just one final touch I reckon."

And he goes over, dims the lights and adjusts the stereo.

Shortly, a bossa-nova beat kicks in over the sound system. Real hip jigging stuff, it was. "Now make your move" He says.

So, thanking him, with a Roger Moore-like raise of the eyebrow, I sashay over to some ladies in the corner:

 "Alright, you trogs! *Rubbing his nipples* I'm WPC Nick Curran, Murder department. Listen, I was expecting to find some mingers like you in a dump like this. Whatsay, I buy you all a half, or failing that, if any of you's wants to cut to the chase, I can meet you downstairs in the latrine in 5 minutes for a little bit of how’s my father,….Also, I've no knickers on?!"

I turn back to the barman giving him the international sign for "OK!"

My uncle's name is Bob.

Detective Nick Curran’s rating for The Worlds End – 1 / 10

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• Natural Selection,..

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