Globe (Baker Street)

Doug Quaid (Total Recall)

I am a c***. 

Should've learned my lesson after getting my brain frazzled the first time round.

Trouble is, I love space travel. And it all looked so inviting in the brochures. I just couldn't resist giving it a second shot.

I mean, the situation on Mars had resolved itself so I was at a loose end. Plus, the Recall company had taken out full-page ads in the quality press; a change of management, they claimed … risk of brain damage no longer an issue, it promised … guaranteed experience of a lifetime or your money back, that sort of thing.

No chance of getting ripped off this time? No such luck.

Oh yeah, they promised me the universe, literally. Special reduction too, on account of the customer relations' problems last time round. All the stars I'd ever dreamed of seeing, all the supernovas I could ride, every black hole I was nearly sucked into. Sound like a dream, too good to be true?

Got that right buddy!

What do I get for my 50 billion bucks? I'll tell you what I get. A virtual ride on an open top London bus in the peeing rain to the feckin' Planetarium (with commentary), that's what. Geez, those guys must've been wetting themselves all the way to the bank.

Sure I 'saw' everything in the cosmos. But I could've taken the Jubilee line there myself and paid a tenner like every other muppet. Brilliant.

Well, naturally, while I was there I decided to salvage something from the experience – and expense. Decided to take in a nearby boozer before jumping on the virtual Jubilee back to Southwark, where I live with that three-breasted hooker.

Yeah, I know, the Martian brunette was a tastier broad. But come on guys, THREE KNOCKERS! You know what I'm saying!

Anyway, the nearest pub I could find was the Globe, which is right opposite the tube. I had high hopes that I'd find a decent pint in here to rescue my day, and maybe some conversation. I mean, you'd think those Recall tossers would've at least put some Carling on tap.

No such luck. It's a dump and a half, isn't it. Recall has made sure of that. Rude bar staff, bad atmosphere and tourists aplenty, all getting in the way being a royal pain in the ass.

Far as I'm concerned that's it. Twice bitten, three times shy. No more Recall, no more Planetarium and definitely never again in this turd-like boozer.

I know exactly where I'm going next. Getting my arse back to Mars me old China, that's where.

Doug Quaid's rating for the Globe, Baker Street – 2 / 10

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