Royal Oak (Ham)

Mr Miyagi (Karate Kid)

*Enter the Ninja. Mr Miyagi and a 12 year-old looking Daniel-san walk into The Royal Oak, a local’s pub in leafy Ham. Mr Miyagi proceeds to chat up the very middle-aged and tough-looking landlady…

MR MIYAGI: [on one knee, singing to the sound of Peter Cetera’s “Glory of Love”] I am a man who will fight for your honour… I’ll be the hero you’re dreaming of…

LANDLADY: That’s handy, they like a fight in here. You fight do you?

MR MIYAGI: No talk about fight. Close eye. And imagine picture. Picture of naked Miyagi. Nothing else exist. Wipe from mind everything else. Only naked Miyagi. Mr Miyagi been by himself too long. He too much by himself, no good. Mr Miyagi use empty hand whilst he imagine big ladies. Brush up, brush down. Stroke up, stroke down. To make honey, young bee need young flower…

LANDLADY: That’s very charming. But I’m happily married. Happily married to this bar. I’m the only person that you’ll ever see serving in here. In fact I’m pretty much the only person that you’ll see at all… unless the football’s on. And unless you include muggins over there…. the grumpy old sod at the end of the bar. He sits there all day with his apple belly hanging out and his moody boat-race looking out over the pub likes he owns the place. Always sat at that same spot at the end of the bar near the toilets. I think you get one of those types in every old man’s boozer, don’t you? Look at him, drinking half a light ale with half a John Smiths. What’s the point in that?

MR MIYAGI: Aye… Can I order drinks please? Drinking is good. Drinking all in wrist. Wrist up, wrist down….You take credit card?

LANDLADY: No love. We don’t serve Sapporo and we don’t take credit cards. What are you… Korean or something? No tickey, no laundry. We’re “cash only” in this pub. No Bank of Tokyo, no Bank of China. And no plastic. The only plastic around here are the plastic bobbies, the plastic policeman. Hobby Bobbies I call them. They poodle around on their bicycles with nothing to do all day but look out for trouble in The Royal Oak. Mind you, if there’s any trouble in Ham it’ll probably start in here. We’re on the edge of the big council estate at Ham Close so we get all the riff raff. Only place they can get served. Fights kick off and then the plastic bobbies call the Old Bill. They come running from Richmond like toy soldiers…

But if you need cash then there’s an ATM round the corner of the quiet bar, next to the pool table…

[Mr Miyagi goes to get some cash from the ATM. He gets charged £2.50]

MR MIYAGI: Tttttt….Your pool table is next to wall. How one meant to play pool if table is next to wall? Maybe I play with chopstick, eh? You have chopstick? Why the 뾤孨嬍୭૨砶迬ﮦభ૨砶迍  is pool table next to wall!?

LANDLADY: Oh yeah, some fellas moved it about last night so that they could play darts. It just shows you how little people care about pool in pubs these days, shoving actual pool tables out the way as if they were spare chairs…

MR MIYAGI: That is not honourable. Me find those men for you. Fighting always last answer to problem but I use pool sticks from pool table like Jujitsu on their bare heads. Karate for defence only. And then I use dart from dart board like lethal shuriken or throwing star. Or maybe like dart from blow pipe. To blow in face.

LANDLADY: That’s ok, love. That won’t be necessary…

MR MIYAGI: Ok, I have cash now, so I like to order some drinks? One half a shandy for Daniel-san and one rum and coke for me, please. I like Rum. Like I used to drink in war.

LANDLADY: Ok, me darling. I’ve just got a couple of locals to serve first. They came in 10 minutes after you so I need to see to them first….

MR MIYAGI: Aye. The half shandy and Rum and Coke when you’re ready but by the way, me no Korean. Me from Okinawa. Japanese. Like Kamakazi.

*talking to himself now* In Second World War Sergeant Miyagi have his own platoon. Miyagi platoon was like lady titties in winter time. They called us The Hard Nips. Mr Miyagi very brave. Many medals for valour. In Karate Kid 1 me pretend to be drunk and crash out on sofa on purpose so that Daniel-san can find all my medals. Oh yes. Me very brave old man… many many medals. I may look like a garden gnome on the outside but me very brave on the inside….

*to landlady* Me same as you. Talk from the heart. No nonsense person. Take no prisoners. Hey, don’t forget our drinks!!

LANDLADY: Okay my lovely,,. I’ve just got to serve this loud regular in an Arsenal top who just walked in... and then Terry (who asked for 8 sambukas) and then the grumpy old bloke at the end of the bar again… he’s on his fifth drink since you asked for your first. ..

MR MIYAGI: One rum and coke for me and one half shandy for my young friend, Daniel-san. By the way let me introduce Daniel-san. He play the supporting role in my very famous films: The Karate Kid 1, The Karate Kid 2 and The Karate Kid 3. I also star in the most recent film The Next Karate Kid … but Daniel-san not allowed to be in that one because he not famous enough. But Mr Miyagi in all four films. Oh yes, very famous Mr Miyagi. Many medals for valour. Me going to make a fifth Karate Kid film. But instead of being called Karate Kid 5 we just going to call it “Mr Miyagi” or “Pat Morita” – me not sure which title yet. Isn’t that right Daniel-san?

DANIEL-SAN: Yes, Mr Miyagi.

MR MIYAGI: Daniel-san, this bar is dirty. Please clean it with your tongue. Wax on, wax off.

DANIEL-SAN: Yes, Mr Miyagi.

MR MIYAGI *to the landlady again*: Daniel-san say he feel like an outsider in this pub. He say everyone turn around to look when we first walk in like American Werewolf in London. I Spy Strangers, they say.

Mind you, not everything is as seem. Daniel-san say everyone no like him. Daniel-san like to be the outsider. He from California. All his life he make trouble about being “outsider”. It all bullshit. Like that time when he come down from California with his mother and Mr Miyagi had to teach him Karate. You know Kara-te?

LANDLADY: Yes, I know what you mean. Karate.

MR MIYAGI: Kara-te mean “Empty Hand”. Understand, eh?

LANDLADY: Empty Hand?

MR MIYAGI: Yes. Karate mean empty hand. But no service mean empty glass! HA! Now, where my rum and coke?!

Mr Miyagi's rating for The Royal Oak - 6/10  “BONZAI!”

Savage Cheyne

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