Cockpit (Blackfriars)

Roland Rat (TV AM)

*Waving to the regulars as he enters the Cockpit with Kevin*

Hello Ratfans! Hows it hanging? Yeeeeeeeeeah! Roland is back in the house! He's too cool for school and back in the Cockpit! Yeeeeeeeah!

Fosters Top please my lovely, and any available nibbles for my Welsh friend here,…

*Carrying on his conversation with Kevin.*

So yeah Kev, you were saying,…? 'Over' you say,…I understand. It sounded like you had it 'up to here' with that geezer anyway! Ha ha! To be honest, the way he treated you weren't right as far as I was concerned. I know that Errol would agree with me on this too. Glenis liked him, didn't she? But. she is a bird, and all birds love him though don't they!

As far as i am concerned, it doesn't matter that he was a Hollywood A-Lister. No one has the right to treat someone else like that. Gere or no Gere!

I remember when you first started seeing that Richard,..I was thinking that it was never gonna last. It was a relationship where it seemed to be all 'give' and no 'take', on your part,...as far as I could tell. I mean, what on earth were YOU getting out of it Kev,……getting shoved up there and all that?! Just didn't seem right to me,..I'm mean, night after night of being aggressively rammed into a fellas,...

,...Ha ha! Oh, oh right, fair enough. Touchy subject is it? I'll leave it alone then. No problem….. have you got a cigarette on you, I could absolutely murder a bifta?

No? Oh well, no problem, we'll get some soon though huh? Nah, I'm not that addicted really. Can take em or leave em, if truth be told. Now, where were we?

No, you're right. It's not a bad boozer this one, no! Nice and tucked away ain't it,..and run by a coupla gay geezers I think. Means nothing to me though chum,..the old 'gayness', I mean, ha ha,..'Vive the diffence' is what I say. Don't matter a jot to me who runs the gaff. All is I know is that they serve a cold Fosters in a friendly enough environment and that's good enough for me. A couple of Fags can pull a couple pints as well as the next men, ain't that right Kev?

,….and speaking of Fags Kev, how's about you run and get some? I'm all out.

What, you are too, seriously? Oh man,..this is painful. Still, no worries, it's early doors yet. You were saying?

Oh yeah, the pub dog? Yeah, his name is Wolfie I believe. Had a bit of an addiction problem himself by all accounts; Sex. Yup, that was his poison, or so I hear. Couldn't get enough of it, the poor chap,..insatiable apparently.

It all got a bit out of hand recently I believe. Wolfie started 'worrying' the furniture, they say. Yeah,…it all came to a head a few weeks ago they tell me,…and they had to take the decision to get his nuts chopped off in the end. Yeah, shocking state of affairs. You've gotta feel for the fella really. And to make matters worse, he's had to spend the last fortnight with one of them cones around his head. Poor fella couldn't even lick himself by way of consolation. Nasty.

,…….Go get some burners will ya Kev, I'm dying for a f*cking fag here chum,…….what do you mean no change?! I'm not talking about the machine! Theres a shop up the hill ain't there? Just next to The Rising Sun. Get yourself up there son,..looks like you could do with a run-out. 

Bad back! Bad back! I'll give you bad back my son. Just get yourself up there,……..make like your in a wheel!

Ok, five minutes, but no longer. Now where were we? What were we Rat-Rapping about again? 

Oh,..yeah, a couple of queers behind the jump, an efficient and presentable barmaid, a good bunch of regulars and a ball-less pub dog called Wolfie. I told you that you would like this place didn't I? Like I said, if you will insist on dragging me around, to scurry around these tourist attractions of a Saturday, then the least that I deserve is the reward of a pint in a decent boozer afterwards.

Now,…………. get them f*cking cigarettes in Sunshine before I gnaw your f*cking face off!! 

Roland Rat's rating for The Cockpit - 8 /10

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• Natural Selection,..

  “,….. Why didn’t they live to be 100?Huh? Well, they woz running round all day, hunting mammoths, eating berries,..rumping their little hearts out. No boozing or smoking. They must have been fit as fiddles. Yer Neanderthalls……….I’ll tell you why, it’s … Continue reading →