Father Ted's (Kilburn)

Father Ted

Ted, i'm mad with The Thirst!

I know what you mean Dougal, there's only so much tea that a man can drink isn't there? Sometimes i think i will wake up one morning, look in the mirror and see a big ole cuppa tea looking back at me!

Wha?!

I mean, that we drink so much tea, that sometimes,..........oh never mind.

How long would you say that we should stay out Ted?

Oh, i don't know Dougal. He can sure be a cagey one when he wants to, can Bishop Brennan. I think that we should probably stay out of the house for a least the next few hours, just to be safe. He's that flight to catch to The Maldives at three if you remember, we should be fine by then.

Whahey! Another great session for the lads then huh!? Good ole Len!

Now Dougal please! It's not a session. It's just a quiet couple of drinks whilst we wait until he goes. And it's 'Bishop Brennan' remember! You really must stop calling him Len. This is exactly the type of thing that i've been talking about.

Oh come on Ted, let's get stuck-in and have a bit of an ole craic!

Well maybe,..just a couple. We'll see how it goes. Why don't you go over there and get a table and i'll get the drinks.

Fair enough Ted, you're the boss.

*At the bar* A pint of Guinness, a double whisky and a pint of Rock Shandy please John,........can you put a curly straw in that one please? Thanks.

*Dougal shouting over* TED! They've 'Take your Pick' in here! Brilliant! Will we not have a game?

*Walking back over with the drinks* Now Dougal no! I'd imagine that the 'Take your Pick' is some kind of weekly event, you know, something like a quiz night. You cannot just walk in to the pub and start playing whenever the mood takes you. And besides, it's only You and I in here, it's only 11.20 in the morning for heavens sake!

Awwww Ted!

No Dougal! Now sit down and watch the TV. Just a quiet couple of drinks like i said, and then we'll head back to the house.

,....Will I get the darts Ted?

What?

The darts, will i go up to the bar and get them in?

No Dougal. I think it's best that we avoid the old darts for the time being. We don't want a replay of the 'Lakeside' incident! To be sure, i still get calls from that fella's lawyer!

A game on the fruit box then Ted, surely? You like a flutter now don't you?

No Dougal! Gambling is a sin remember. We are two priests having a few leisurely drinks in their local. Let's try and behave accordingly shall we?

*Whilst Dougal sulks, Ted has is dream sequence where he dances with bunny girls in Vegas*

,......will we turn it into a pub crawl then Ted? Really make an afternoon of it?

Well,...well we could do i suppose. A little drink never did anyone any harm after all, did it? And i suppose that the change of scene will do us good. Maybe get to know a few more of the local parishioners?

We could check out all the old haunts?

What 'old haunts' Dougal? We've only been over here a few months and already half of our locals have turned 'trendy.'

Oh Ted c'mon. Let's just take a look around. What about a couple in The (Golden) Egg?

Well, we could i suppose,..

And then one in The Coopers Arms?

Yeah, yeah ok. It's a good one that one.

And then maybe The Brondes-age? It's a mad name that, isn't it?!

It certainly is Dougal, but 'no', no we won't be going in there, heated terrace or no heated terrace!

Well what about the North London Tavern then Ted? That seems to be a popular place to go,..

No Dougal, we will be avoiding the 'NLT' thank you very much!.....Don't put too much faith in places that are 'cool' Dougal. We'll learn nothing from the people in places like the 'NLT' - and i can tell you that for sure!

The Westbury then Ted? They sell Monkey Nuts in there i was told. Have you ever heard of such a thing?!

No Dougal, we will not being going into The Westbury either. That type of place would not interest me at all. Can you not just relax, and enjoy your drink in a nice normal boozer like this?

But Ted!

No Dougal!! Now please,......

*They share a protracted, arms-folded silence.*

Just ONE quick play on the fruitbox then Ted? Plllllllllllllllleeease!

Oh alright Dougal, just ONE quick game mind.

Will i go and get the change from the offertory collection, from out of the car, like last time then Ted?

No Dougal!! And keep your voice down! *whispering* And anyway,...i told you,..I replaced all that change (last time), with money that i had saved up in my own account.

Hahahahahaha! *tapping side of nose* Oh right,...yeah!

Father Ted's rating for Father Ted's - 9 / 10

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