Clachan (Soho)

John Winger (Stripes)

Jesus Christ mate, I've been waiting round that other side for ages!! What's the f*cking problem here? You guys got an allergic reaction to coming round the back bar?

Oh yeah, sorry pal. We don't serve around there.

Don't serve round there!? Well how the f*ck is anyone supposed to know that? I've just been standing round there for 15 minutes like a spare f*cking appendage. At least put a sign up or something for godsake,……it looks just like a working bar to the naked eye don't it. Shape up!

Yeah, it does chum, and I'm sorry. But I just do what I'm told here mate, and according to the 'Powers that Be', that back part of the bar is a no-go area. I'll be f*cked if I know why? Still,..can't be helped can it? What can I get ya?

Well, yeah, I suppose if it can't be helped then it can't be helped, orders is orders after all! Now that you've explained, I can see the rationale!!...........A Fosters top then please mate, and on the double. I f*cking need it now more than ever. The last thing I wanted after this afternoon, was this extra twenty yard sprint round to the sodding front bar!

No problem,…Fosters it is…...Jesus, yeah,..you do look a little knackered! Whats happened to ya?

*wiping sweat from forehead* This? Oh, I have just come from the gym on Kingly Street. Monday's are always the worst ain't they - blowing away the weekend cobwebs and all that,..why do we do it to ourselves huh!? I dunno why I bother.

Gym huh! Nice one,……….you look properly shagged out mate.

Yeah, yeah I am. I f*cking feel it. But hey, you know what they say don't ya?

No,..whats that?

Exactly! 'Go for the burn', 'be all you can be' 'left, right, left, right' etc etc.

Oh yeah, i see where you are coming from yeah. It's important to look after yourself and be disciplined I reckon. Especially during a Credit Crunch.

Yeah, yeah, you're right,……That Credit Crunch and more importantly the death of Lady Di, have really put things in perspective for me!…Give us that pint here will ya?

Inside or out?

I beg your pardon….*putting hand behind ear*

Outside or in? Plastic or Glass? Smoking or Not? Scumbag or member of the Human Race?

Oh Jesus,..not that old chestnut again!!...Listen,…I understand that rules are rules, but I'm not f*cking around with plastic!….Can you just put the pint in a glass and leave it on the bar for a minute there, whilst I nip outside for a fag?

Oh, sure,……. no problem. She truly was 'The Peoples Princess' wasn't she!………….A fag that soon after a work-out huh?

Yeah, well, 'rude not to' and all that. This ain't even my first one since the exercise actually. I always have a swift B & H immediately I come out of the gym,.helps me warm down….....I have it, as soon as I reach the top of the stairs in fact! Part of the routine.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeell why not!! You're only young once ain't ya!?

Well yeah,..i'm 48.

Yeah,…thats what I mean; plenty of time. Why not indeed! It ain't as if you're coming out of the gym and chinning 10 pints is it!?

No,..well err no, not today. But I have to say, that I have done that on several occasions in the past.

What?

Come out of the gym and then embarked on a real heavy session,…….did it last Thursday in fact.

Weeeeeeeeeell why not!! You've done all the hard work, haven't you! I reckon that a guy deserves a few pints after exercise like that!

Suppose so yeah,…….f*ck me you get drunk rapidly after having drained your body like that though. You get absolutely legless, and double-quick.

I bet you do, I bet you do. Weeeeeeeell 'why not?', is what I say!! It's not as if your coming out of the gym and going straight into McDonalds is it?!

Well no,.you're right……....but I did do that last week as well actually. Had one of them 'M' Burgers and a Milk Shake,…..spilt it all over my new uniform.

Nana!

Nah Strawberry actually. Luckily it was a pink blouson anyhow.

Weeeeeeeeeeell why not! If you can't eat unhealthily after burning all those calories then when can you? Whats life all about huh?!

Exactly,..i mean it's a balancing act in my book I reckon. You give on one hand and you take with the other.

Yeah, true, true. Weeeeeeeeeeell I reckon you've gotta treat yourself in these dark times. And anyway,..it's not like your coming out of the gym and doing loads of drugs is it!?

No, no true,…………err,…….You've got those new cubicles installed in the Gents now haven't ya? The ones with the real smooth cisterns yeah? Might just 'take a slash' before this fag I reckon,……...

John Winger's rating for The Clachan - 4 / 10

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  “,….. Why didn’t they live to be 100?Huh? Well, they woz running round all day, hunting mammoths, eating berries,..rumping their little hearts out. No boozing or smoking. They must have been fit as fiddles. Yer Neanderthalls……….I’ll tell you why, it’s … Continue reading →