R2D2 and C3PO (Star Wars)

Three Crowns (Piccadilly)

C3PO: “Oh, I do love our little spells of R&R together, don't you R2? Nothing beats a weekend together in central London, chancing upon some of our favourite drinking haunts….”

”Look, it's the Three Crowns; We've been in here before, haven't we? As I recall, it's a jolly old place. It even has a sign on the door encouraging clean and presentable clothing to keep the riff raff out. Let's stop off for a dry white wine or two, shall we? But, not too many: We'll be back on the ship again tomorrow evening!”

* R2D2 responds with incomprehensible series of electronic toots and whistles *

C3PO: “Oh really R2, deary me; I can't understand a word you're saying, you silly old dustbin. My translator must be playing up. Hold on a sec, give me a moment to re-configure my circuits…. There, that's better. Now, what was that you said?”

R2 (via the gift of his friend's translator): “I said, I've told you already you shiny metal dick; I ain't going back in that dump. It's full of suits, it stinks of food and there's too much lemonade in the Fosters Tops.”

C3PO: “Come, come, R2, don't be like that. Let's just have a glass of wine for once and leave the lager to the louts. We can have a civilized chat about the princess and master Luke. We really need to work out what's to be done with them.”

R2: “How many times do I have to tell you: I'm not drinking wine in a pub, you poncey pr*ck. Christ it's like tooting at a brick wall. I … DRINK…. LAGER. And if you think I’m gonna spend another evening listening to you dribbling on about that sausage-haired tart and master floppy haired-prannie you got another thing coming.”

C3PO: “Oh really R2, you are insufferable. Must you refer to Master Luke and the Princess in those disgusting terms? Well I for one like The Three Crowns, and I'm going in for a glass of wine, so you can either join me or jolly-well push off. Dear Lord, what am I to do with you?”

R2D2: “Suits me dickhead. Far as I'm concerned, you can disappear up your own metallic arse; I'm heading for the Devonshire Arms. Least I can get a decent Fosters Top in there, and I won't have to put up with a golden nancy-boy like you. “

C3PO: "You are an outrageous little egg. Why do you always have to be so beastly to me?”

R2D2: “Because, sunshine, you are a great Mary-Ann and I'm sick of the sight of you. Mincing around like you do, gives us droids a bad name. Why don't you piss off and leave me alone for good? Soon as we're back on board, I'm putting in for a transfer.”

C3PO: (sobbing oil) “Oh please R2. Stop it. You know I hate it when you start on me. I thought master Luke had sorted those aggression circuits. It's all so unnecessary. I'll turn my translator off if you persist with this abuse, really I will. “

R2D2: “Do whatever the f*ck you want pal. I need you as Ernie to my Joey Deacon like I need a hole in the lid. You're one pansy droid I never want to see again. So long, moron.”

* moves off - jerkily *

C3PO: “R2...R2.... wait.... WAIT. Don't leave me. You ... you .... you rotten, ungrateful little swine. Think about the princess and master Luke. Oh, no … come back and talk to me. R2 please. I can't cope on my own.”

R2 projects an image of a bullet shaped droid flicking the middle finger salute on a building ahead


C3PO and R2D2's rating for the Three Crowns - 2 / 10

Sputnikski