John Keats (Moorgate)

The Fonz (Happy Days)

*The Fonz and Richie Cunningham approach the bar in The John Keats. Fonzy is now morbidly obese and booze-haggered,..he unzips his (bespoke) leather jacket once at the bar, and lets his belly swing freely over his belt. Richie looks exactly the same as he ever did i.e. 13 years old.*

Fonzy - *Both thumbs up to the barman* Eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyye! Two Carling Tops and a bag of Shaky Bacon please mate. Cheers.

Tell you what Richie. When was the last time you heard from whassisface,…your old man,..you know - Mr C. How long has it been huh?

Too long? Yeah,....too long, you’re right. Where does all the time go huh? Why do we all lose contact like this!?

Tell you what, why don’t we give him a bell? Would be good to see what he’s up to thesedays. I know that you don’t see eye to eye after the divorce and all that, but it would be good to see how the old dog is,…let’s dial him now,…tis much better than chattin to each other in any case,…gis that phone,..

*Ringing,……..Gets an answer*

Hey, you, Mr C!. . Hey you,..Mr C, it’s Me! *thumbs up* Fonzy!!! Eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyye! How's the f**king form you old w*nker?

Huh, wha? Busy? Don’t be silly. You’ve always time for The Fonz!

,…..What's the f*ckin crack? Has Joanie heard any more from her ex recently? Whatever happened to her….to him? 'Tai-Chi' wasn’t it?

,….And that Indonesian bird that you met a few years back,..after the missus left you,…what is she up to now? You still hear from her? Was she there for that Tsunami business?

You still working with all those ‘Club Indo’ fellas? You know,..the contractors who work abroad for months on end; leaving with their families back in the UK,…..the lads that get themselves the Indonesian wives yeah! Funny game to go into,...is that one, Mr C…

Where does all the time go Mr C, eh? You been ‘working it’ with the birds lately? Been to any good bars? Yeah? No? Yeah, yeah, no? Yeah, we’re here,...just Me and your prick of a son,…yeah,…ain’t he just! Yeah, just here in The John Keats, nah not the f*cking Globe, The Keats; yeah, like old times. Nah, it’s sh*t,…just a load of 'suit monkeys' as ever. Not a leather jacket in sight. Like I said,..just like old times. 'Cept you can’t even smoke inside now!

,…So where is it you’re at? Humous shop is it! Hiking! Oh Jesus, what a f*cker? ‘Dry’ district is it over there? Jesus! I bet you miss Munchen don’t ya? Bet you miss them Pork Knuckles,..them 'Pork Knuckles up the alps', eh? You were always harpin on about those weren’t yer? The Pork Knuckles and The Augustiners,..oh, and the Paulaners? Miss them do yer? Them and the half chickens?

What’s the matter Mr C, cat got yer tongue? Are you drunk? You been boozing much since you got there then? No? Must be a bit tricky I s’pose, is it? How much for a bottle of wine in Israel then? Hows the old ‘Issy wine’?

Eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyye! *to Richie, with both thumbs up*

,…You were talking about things bein better over there, last time we spoke. Loadsa great booze and food-stuffs that would go down a storm in the UK, you said,..How’s that all going then? Signed any good contracts? First million already in the bag?

No? Well tell me more about the old export business? When are you gonna open up to customers? What's it all about huh? Do you ever ask yourself why? Why? Why? Why? Why? What ever happened?...........You still bowling?

,…*aside* It’s a very bad line this one Richie….Hey Mr C,…got any good holiday pictures!? Got any good pictures at all?..Of anything? Come on and text em over to us will ya. We’re having a sh*t time here. Got any bad holiday pictures,..i’d like to see a few of them? Would prefer them in fact,...

Eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyye!

What about photos of food? Got any photos of food? There’s nothing like a well focussed snap of some slap-up dinner.

Fish fingers on the beach? Kebab in a bedsit?

When are you going back to Dubai? You heard about Ralph? You heard about Ralph and his Ostrich farm? What do you think about this credit crunch business?

You’re laughing right! You laughing right now. But you mark my words,..you’ll remember this conversation right. Few years from now you’ll be thinking bout this,..thinkin bout how old Fonzy told you the score,…thinkin bout how, Fonzy…yeah thinkin bout,......thinking bout,…….bout,… hello?

The f*ckers hung up!

*Passing the phone back, zipping up his jacket,……sticking his thumbs up.*

F*cking Cunninghams!!

Eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyye!!!! Get em in, will yer Richie.

The Fonz’s rating for The John Keats – 8/ 10

Tony Toni Tone

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• Natural Selection,..

  “,….. Why didn’t they live to be 100?Huh? Well, they woz running round all day, hunting mammoths, eating berries,..rumping their little hearts out. No boozing or smoking. They must have been fit as fiddles. Yer Neanderthalls……….I’ll tell you why, it’s … Continue reading →