Endurance (Soho)

The Lieutenant (Bad Lieutenant)

*To the barman*

“Yeah, give me some of that. Double vodka, gimme the bottle. Is your toilet cistern clean? I’ll be needing to use the top of that in a minute. The hell with it. I’ll just put the gear on the bar in a pile. You got a problem with that? Too bad. You allow smoking in here? You do now.”

F**king jerk-off. Smoking ban huh? I wanna smoke in a pub I smoke a crack pipe. The barman has a problem I show him my badge, tell him to open the till. A £500 fine for me? I take a G. Now he’s £500 down. How about that? What, you think I can’t do that?

I’m a cop.

I come to this bar because of its location in downtown Soho. In the middle of a cesspool of stuff that I need. Short-time brothels, dope houses, bookies and sex shops. It’s got an appropriate name as well. The Endurance. I’ll show you Endurance. In all its forms. The food here is meant to be good. Like I’d know. If you hoofed piles of crap up your nose like I do you wouldn’t have an appetite neither.

Just next door to The Endurance is a William Hill. I been gambling in there since 2005 when I put a bet on Liverpool to beat Man Utd. I lost a lousy 10,000 bucks. I went with the same bet double or quits in 2006 and I lost 20,000 bucks. In 2007 I told the guys at work to back United. I told them that Benitez would do his absolute bollocks and I said I would put the bet on for them. On their behalf. So I took their money, added it to my own bet and backed Liverpool with the whole lot instead. They lost again. Jesus Christ. I lost £40,000 and now I owe the guys £20,000 as well. Welcome to my life. Right now I need something to ease the pain.

*To the barman*

“Give me some of that stuff in the bottle. Yeah, gimme some of that right now. Over there. Whatever the f**k sh*t it is.”

When I wanna ease the pain and score some dope I go up to Cambridge Circus.

Near the Spice of Life bar there’s a doorway. It says “Models” on the door. You go up the stairs and a guy says 'Hash or Weed'? One time he tried to skank me. He gave me a £10 draw for the price of an eighth. But here’s the thing. There were two guys outside the door at the bottom of the stairs telling me that the guys upstairs would skank me and that I should go with them instead. Like they wouldn’t skank me. Can you believe that? Either way it doesn’t bother me none. Anyone tries to skank me upstairs or downstairs I wave a gun in their face. And then I take their money for drug dealing because that’s serious stuff.

Sometimes the hash ain’t strong enough for me and then maybe I wanna score some brown. No problem. I go back to Berwick Street to The Endurance. Cruise the corner of the market in my black-and-white. Then I score. Then I get the tin foil out and I burn that shit up. Chase the dragon in the car. If someone sees what I’m up to then I put the siren on top. Police business. Investigation in progress.

Outside The Endurance is a market. Like fruit and veg. Stuff like that. Myself I prefer a meat market. If I wanna get laid I go in through that door that I mentioned that says “Models”. I don’t pay for sh*t. I screw the little whores three-in-a-bed and then when they ask me for money I say:

“How would you like a ride downtown to the police station? And then I’ll tell your daddy what you do for a living.”

“That’s Entrapment”, they say. “That’s Blackmail.”

I say: “Call it whatever the f**k you like, but maybe we can come to some arrangement. You do something for me, I do something for you. What do you think about that? Now show me your ass again.”

If I can’t get a hard-on because of all the drugs but I wanna jerk off later then I go down Porn Alley (that’s Walkers Court by the way) and I buy me some DVDs. Being a cop I’m an expert at covering up the evidence so that no one knows about my habits. What, you think I can’t hide the DVDs from my family? I take the discs without the cases and then I wrap em up in brown paper bags. What, you think I can’t hide the brown bags? I put booze in them and drink it on the train. What, you think I can’t buy booze in Soho? The shop opposite the Windmill or the Nicolas opposite The Endurance. Last time the Nicolas got robbed I took the owner down the station and then I robbed the robbers myself. 500 bucks. I stuck it on the Mets game. And then I helped myself to all the booze in the shop. Drunk it on the train on the way home. You think I can’t drink on the train? You think I care if Boris has banned booze on the subway when I wanna drink? I’m a police officer. I could give a sh*t.

,.........By the way, ever sucked a guy’s cock?

Bad Lieutenant’s review of The Endurance 5/10. Whatever.

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