Ship (Monument)

Lionel Hutz (The Simpsons)

Look at this! I mean, what is it? Sure its cold, gold and efficiently sold. But what is it? Is it what you asked for? I don’t think so!! Let me have a closer look at it. If there is one thing that we Americans know nothing about it’s beer. The name is Lionel Hutz by the way, Attourney at law, here is my card….and you are?

,..Oh,..really, really! Nice to meet you. Russian name is it? Slavic?

Move back you say? Sure, sorry,..excuse me for interrupting. However, i was just in the area, looking around for unattended drinks over there and I could not help over-hearing your conversation. You have apparently been mis-sold this beverage I believe?

Ah, I see, so you asked for a BudWEISER and were given instead a Bud VASE? This is truly shocking! Where is the offending piece of porcelain? I don’t know what kind of buffoon,…Oh,…a BudVAR!! Oh I see,…A different beer is it? Well,… it’s a blatant rip-off anyway then! I can see it now - numerous cases spring to mind.,…’Aquafresh versus Aqua-fraiche’,..'Panda (Cola) versus Pepsi Cola',..and of course, the case of 'Me versus Dame Edna & The Republic of South Korea'....This shall be famously known as the case of ‘Hutz versus The Besmirching of the Budweiser Brand!!’ Kaching!

This BudVAR is a brand in it’s own right you think!......Check?! I most certainly will. No stone will be left turned. But this is only a minor detail. This one (case) is a no-brainer,..*pointing at his own head* which is handy! Seriously though *pulling up a stool* , let me tell you the crux of the issue as I see it,…..

,...Now, correct me if I am wrong sir, but this is not a Budweiser is it? No, no it’s not; it’s a bottle of something certainly, but it’s not BudWEISER. It’s bigger, it’s tastier, you tell me that drinking it, is like a party for the taste buds. May I? *takes a huge swig on it*. Ahhhhh *burps*,..but it’s NOT Budweiser! The name on the label is spelt wrongly for a start. And, most importantly, it isn’t what you asked for! You asked for a Bottle of Budweiser and instead received a Vase of Buds - unacceptable!!

Yes, yes, ‘BudVAR’ *pronouncing it BUDVAYZ*, I know, I know. These are just details! If I may be so bold as to offer my services sir. THIS, as they say, is a very strong case!! I recommend that we start legal proceedings against this public house immediately.

Of course, ‘law guy / client’ etiquette prevents me from guaranteeing you victory in this matter. And I certainly cannot tell you that you WILL win this case,…but you definitely will!

That’s it, turn your backs, think about it, certainly discuss my offer amongst yourselves,..but don’t take too long. We must strike whilst the iron is still hot and whilst the beer is still cold,….*gazing at it longingly*,….cold and golden,…hmmm so golden….

Yes,..i err,…yes, I’ve argued in pubs the length and breadth of this great isle of yours; often with other people. And this is one case where i feel supremely confident of victory. Of course, as I said, nothing in this life is a certainty. But I can categorically tell you that there is 100% chance of victory in this instance.

Care for a belt of whiskey with me, to help us seal our contract? No? Last chance? Ok, no problem, your loss. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!

Listen Mr Pissov,….we seem to have ironed-out every possible nuance of the case here now. Allow me to approach the barmaid and present it to the establishment on your behalf - see if we can’t come to some kind of settlement and prevent this whole thing from going to trial. My fee, if you agree, shall be five more ‘Topped Fosterseseseses’! Agreed!? Yes,…well, I’ll take your silence as assent……*tapping nose with finger* Mommy is the word.

,…Here I go then….*making to approach the bar, Hutz has immediate second thoughts* ….Err,..oh,..actually, let’s wait for the Landlord fellow to come back shall we?! I don’t think that we would have much luck presenting our case to that young barmaid over there,.. now that I think about it,….

,…well, since you’re asking - she's kind of had it in for me, since I accidentally hit her arm when she was collecting glasses……Actually,…replace `accidently hit' with `aggressively fondled', and replace `arm' with `arse'…..

The Boss should return at any minute anyhow. Now it’s just a waiting game,………Are you gonna finish that?

Lionel Hutz’s rating for The Ship – 8/10

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• Natural Selection,..

  “,….. Why didn’t they live to be 100?Huh? Well, they woz running round all day, hunting mammoths, eating berries,..rumping their little hearts out. No boozing or smoking. They must have been fit as fiddles. Yer Neanderthalls……….I’ll tell you why, it’s … Continue reading →