Duke of Sussex (Waterloo)

Robert Langdon (The Da Vinci Code)

*After a spot of overpriced lunch at Da Vinci’s (two hundred metres away), Robert and Sexy Sophie enter the Duke of Sussex, having been transported here in a ten pound cab. They are on the pointless trail of something and Robert approaches the bar talking to Sophie as he goes – the barman is welcoming,…* 

Langdon - ,…..it's a little known fact Sophie, that the Duke of Sussex was a member of the Knights Templar,….and once this information finally clicked into place, then it gave me the last piece of the jigsaw.

Sophie - Explique sil vous plait!

Langdon - "Knight takes cockney in WC2",..was the information that we were presented with,..however by thinking literally we were put off the scent.

Sophie - Really?

Langdon - Yes,.. were coming at this from the wrong angle. It was silly to look for Michael Knight in WC2, I don't know what on earth we were thinking,..everyone knows he drinks down in Borough Market anyhow. No, we needed to think deeper. 'Knight takes cockney',..well thats obviously (The Duke of) Sussex - a member of the Knights Templar after all,..and the only one of em to be born within the sound of the bow bells,..in a town called Old Milton Keynes I think it was,…

Sophie - Ok, ok, Sussex yez, but we are not in WC2 are we Roooobert?

Langdon - Remember that we are in London Sophie my dear, where no one says what they mean. Apples and Pears mean Stairs, Almond Rocks mean Socks & Plates of Meat are feet, as soon as I knew that it was rhyming slang we were home free. For 'WC2' think Wa-ter-loo!!

Sophie - Magnifique!

Langdon - Merci! Now come on let's get to the bar and continue the trail,…... the barman should be our contact, so leave all the talking to me sugar bear.*They arrive at the bar.*

Barman - What can I get you pal? Guinness, Stella,..wine, something softer? I’ve gotta tell ya though, the Fosters is off I'm afraid mate?

Langdon - Off you say? Off! How strange, since we have only just got here Sophie and the ‘so-called’ Fosters are already off! Hmmmmmmm interesting,..very interesting indeed.

Barman - Yeah, the barrel is empty mate. I can certainly get you a Fosters if you really want, but you will have to wait a while whilst I go down to the cellar to change it?

Langdon - Changing the barrel huh? Yes,..this is certainly making more sense. An aged gun will often fracture it’s own barrel upon unleashing a shot. This Foster fella must have used an obsolete weapon, and obviously had little time to take his shot. In his haste, he must have gone off half cocked and emptied his barrel impetuously. Once emptied, he then must have found it (the barrel) in need of changing - rendered useless no doubt by his impetuous gun-play…..But why was he rushing? And why did he leave in such haste? Our man Foster must have been in one hell of a hurry! And he was obviously not alone…….

Sophie - Not Alone?…La plume de ma tante!!

Langdon - Exactly Sophie, ‘exactementarily’,…Notice how the barkeep said ‘FosterS’. That’s ‘plural’ you see – our man had family with him for sure - the plot thickens,…..

*Over to the barman*,…Put on a pot of coffee will you please waiter, and none of that instant Nescafe crap that you Brits are so fond of!! Whole-grain, free-range and organic Mocha beans on Rye, if you will,..and a few side orders of good ole American shit………Let’s take a seat Sophie, this is going to need some thought….

*Adjourning to one of the old style booths next to the fruit machine,..addressing Sophie, Robert pauses momentarily to look down her cleavage as she goes to take her seat (He plays a lecherous Sherlock to Sophie’s coquettish Watson,.)*

,…...The Foster's of course Sophie, were an ancient Australian family with their roots in 1960's Brisbane (Brizzy),..any historian worth his salt could tell you that I know. But what were they (these Fosters) doing here in London, specifically here in The Sussex? And more to the point, why did they leave? Where did they head next,... and what the fuck does it matter to us anyway?

Sophie *pouting earnestly* - It is such a conundurumderum Robeeert! What does it all mean!?

Langdon - I don’t know Sophie. I really don’t know as yet,…but we are going to find out. *Gazing at her chest again*…..As far as I can see, this mystery rests on two key points!

Sophie - *breathlessly* Oui?!

Langdon - No, I’m fine thank you,..but yes,..Ahem,..two key issues. Firstly we need to find out just exactly WHY The Fosters family left this pub, and secondly we need to trace that empty barrel. Then, and ONLY then will we find the answer,.......to whatever it is that we are asking ourselves!!

Sophie - But ow?

Langdon - Ancient Symbology! As always Sophie my dear *under his breath* you minx! It’s all around us, in our homes, in our work, in our cars,….in our pants! Sophie it’s the key to unravelling the mysteries of the earth. I mean just look at the marks on the ceiling,..the graffitti on the windowsills,..look at the deep symbology in the sign for the disabled rest rooms! Gothic, barbaric, neolithic and sarcastic, all in one!!

Sophie - Quoi?

Langdon - Ancient Symbology my dear *Under the table - pumping his right fore-finger through the circle made by his left thumb and left fore-finger*, If Ancient Symbology has taught us anything Sophie, it's firstly, that if a young French temptress is twirling her hair whilst fingering a beer mat, shes up for it,…And err,..secondly,..what was I saying? Yes secondly, that a Flashing Green Man means that you are free to go, to cross!

Sophie - Que?

Langdon - The Flashing Green Man outside the front doors, on the junction,…he holds the key to our mystery,..only through him, will we find our Fosters! 

Sophie - Ze flashing Green Man? You mean from ze film "Ze Hulk 2 - Zis time ees Personal”?

Langdon - What!?

Sophie - ‘Zee Hulk’ zee second one, you know. "Don't make me horny, you wouldn't like me when I'm horny (you would)!"

Langdon - I err,…I don't know what you are talking about, *under breath* you temptress you,.. that,..err, that must have been a French re-make! No,..What I am talking about, as I said, is ‘Symbology’. The Flashing Green Man is both ancient and international, it means that (whenever you see it) you are free to cross, no matter what location or era you live in. Look at those traffic lights outside Sophie, they lead straight to another pub!

Sophie - Oh Mon Dieu! I zee,…….so zee Fosters family ave crossed the road and are in anozer boozer?

Langdon - Exactly Sophie, exactly! Voila, my Sherry!

Sophie - Oh, Mr Langdon, vous etes so brilliant,…you’re wonderful! Let us go over zere now and get ourselves zese,..zese Fosters! And zen we will come back ere and solve ze mystery of ze empty barrel?

Langdon - *Losing interest, turning away, distracted, playing the fruit machine* Err,…nah,…nah,….let’s just forget it shall we Cream Puff,…I’ve got two golden bars here,..and you know what it means if they hold again on the third spin!!

Robert Langdon’s rating for The Duke of Sussex – 6/10

Rolosocosy

• View by pub
• View by reviewer
• View by place

• Letting yourself down

  A quick note on the ‘sensitive’ issue of letting oneself down when boozing. We’ve all done it after a few too many light ales. And we’ve all had to deal with the messy consequences… So the question is, should all … Continue reading →