Chinese Tower, Englischer Garten (Munich)

John \'Bluto\' Blutarsky (Animal House)

Who turned up then yesterday yer say?

Well,…..lets think. There was Me, Magpie, Pinto Kroger, Don Boon, Push and a few of the other fraternity work fellas…,..Oh and ‘The Flounder!’ Anyhows, as you know, i’m not a big one fer names; ‘Whassis face’ and ‘Whatever yer name is’, were kicking about somewhere i s'pose as well. You know,..the ‘Usual’.

What was it all in aid of then,…….Toga party ‘n’ sh*t? Themed?

Nah,..f*ck all that dressin-up rubbish! It was just a ‘Do’ hosted by The Barnsley Rat, in his honour if you will. Not f*ckin themed no. Just a leavin do. See, it was his (the Rat's) last day on the job afore he scurried off back up North. No expense spared it was, I tell yer,…this ‘Do’ had everythin!

Everything?

Yeah, Chinky food, Fatherland service and yer Englishman decorum. The lot!

Sounds perfect.

Yeah,..huge chinky garden there was; scorchin sun,..big tent outside in the corner for us, there was,…regimented service - it was all ‘help yerself to beer’ ‘Grab yerself a brew – it don’t cost nothing!’ From these two large barrels. Decent.

Good mix of people then?

Well yeah,..at the beginning right, it was mostly the fraternity fellas, you know; the work lads! But there was a few nice birds there you know,..potential like. Unfortunately though,…as the hours passed by,..well, it all got outa hand. Messy. There was even some scrappin.

Fightin?

Yeah, only amongst ourselves like,..a little bit of fisticuffs, but I didn’t get involved in all that. I had already out-stayed my welcome anyhow….Me? Well yeah, I just left in the midst of it all; got the works bus down to Schwabing to see that Sonic Youth in concert. Yeah,….twas with some of the other fellas from the office. Apparently I made a right knob of meself on the bus. They had to carry me off in the end.

Really?

Yeah,..It was so bad that i fell over.

Thats not too bad.

Suppose not,..but I was pointing at some birds, you know,..shoutin me head off at em, screamin, insultin,..you know. Thats what THEY say, anyway…!

Oh dear.

Anyway, we finally gets to the Sonic gig right. And to be fair, I do remember ‘actin up’ a little bit there. Well, I musta been,..cos bout 4 security geezers dragged me out in the end.

What did you do to deserve that then?

Dunno,..but I remember throwin some stuff over the perimeter fence,….vengence, you know.

What stuff?

Dunno. Whatever was to hand i s'pose!

Oh well. Sure, we’ve all bin there ain't we?! And what did you get up to after that then?

I just went to walk home I guess, but far as I can remember, I couldn’t walk up the f*ckin hill. Singin and a swayin I was, I reckon,..rollin about on the pavement – Octoberfest style. Ended up, at the back of my house with half a chicken. Doin the business - you know - all 'silhouetted' in the window i was. Real hobo style.

Oh, I get yer. Seen. But still, all round, you've gotta call that a good night, and it sounds like a decent boozer does it not? Surely it coulda been WAY worse than that huh Bluto!?

Yeah,..you're not wrong. It weren't too bad Mahmood,..not bad at all my friend,……You can't knock the Krauts and the Orientals once they put their heads together,..especially in the context of an English back garden. I've had many worse nights, and that's for sure. But this one,..well yeah, maybe it was a little too close for comfort.

Bluto’s rating for the Englischer Garten – 10/10

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  “,….. Why didn’t they live to be 100?Huh? Well, they woz running round all day, hunting mammoths, eating berries,..rumping their little hearts out. No boozing or smoking. They must have been fit as fiddles. Yer Neanderthalls……….I’ll tell you why, it’s … Continue reading →