Coopers Arms (Kilburn)

Henry Cooper

 *Propped up at the bar in The Coopers Arms - undoubtedly the best pub on Kilburn High Road, ‘Enry is making a (very interesting) point to ‘Arry, over a coupla pints.*

,…Erm sorry yeah, where was i? Oh yeah, yeah right,..so yeah, I was in The Golden Egg (over the road) last week, talking to this geezer, drinking coke (like an idiot) he was, talking bout how he left the Amish. Left the Amish all of a sudden, on a whim like,……..now he don’t know what to do with himself. Didn’t drink, didn’t smoke,..not really fazed by the birds or by gambling – He reckons that he just comes down The Egg every now and again and drinks cokes,..

No drink, no smoke, what does he do?

Well, far as I could tell, he just takes showers!

Takes showers?! What,…as a pastime?!

Yeah, poor fella. He left the Amish,..and then didn’t know what to do to fill his time. Just spends most days taking these two hour showers! Does f**k all else,…..apart from heading down The Egg occasionally for the football and a soft drink.

Jesus, what a life! Clean chap though was he?

Clean? Well yeah, I suppose so yeah,..but that weren’t the point. Cleanliness musta been an added bonus, but that weren’t what he was aiming for. What I am talking about is what a man does to kill time!

Wrinkly though was he?

Wrinkly?.........Wrinkly?,……No, he wasn’t wrinkly. In fact, I don’t know whether he was wrinkly or not! That’s not the point of the story,……..we’re getting off topic here!! *Two Fosters Tops please Richie.* Do you fancy a fag out the back?

Why not.

*They adjourn for fags to the nice garden out back*

,……So yeah,..this fella, he left The Amish and then started taking these showers. Regular as clockwork he was, 2 hours everyday,…..he couldn’t get his head around normal life. He’d just get up every morning and jump in the old ‘douche’! He had nothing else on the cards.

Well, it’s gotta be a tough adjustment I guess. Coming from that kinda regimented environment, into the real world.

Suppose so yeah.

Drills, and all that,…manoeuvres

You what?

You know, exercises, drills, parades,…….i suppose he saw some heavy active service did he?

Well, as far as I understand it, he built a few log cabins and ploughed some fields yeah,.but I wouldn’t describe it as tough. What I am talking about is the adjustment in mentality.

Oh yeah, mentality for sure, ‘Roll Call’, ‘Yes sir, no sir’, saluting and s**t,..it’s gotta be tough.

What the f**k are you talking about Harry? This fella was in the AMISH!!

AMISH?!!

Yeah, you know, the stupid Dutch / German religious fellas with the funny straw hats.

Ooooooooooooooooooooh ARR – MISH! Sorry, of course,..my mistake. I thought you said ARMY,…you know,..i just thought that you’d mispronounced a bit and were a little ‘punch-drunk’ there, you know, slurring your words. Oh,..now I understand yeah,.. I know the Amish alright!

You dozy c**t!! YES,..the AMISH for godsake!! But,….Amish, Army,..it don’t make no difference, my point is the same. What I am saying is, that it is very hard to change your mindset and your attitudes when you have been indoctrinated in a certain way. For instance it’s hard for a demoted manager to become a subordinate, it’s hard for a top flight footballer to become a pundit, it’s hard for a boxer to get used to not hitting people and it’s hard for an ex-Amish to drop the old religious fervour. What I am saying is, that it’s hard to adjust.

Absolutely,,..absolutely yeah Hen,..i see what you’re saying. F**king right! Once in the Amish, always in the Amish. 'You're in the Armish now!' etc etc! For f**king real! Listen, I’m glad we’ve got that sorted out, can I get you another pint?

Nah Harry,..thanks for the offer but i’d best get off,…better get a move on you know. I wanna get back in good time so as I can smash my gaff up before Match of the Day.

Henry Cooper’s rating for the Cooper’s Arms – 8 /10

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