Red Lion (Monument)

Montgomery Burns (The Simpsons)

*Looking through the front bay window of The Red Lion, it's obvious that the pub is absolutely dead, apart from Mr Burns, Smithers and a dubious-looking member of the barstaff. Burns and Smithers are playing Snap (Smithers is letting Monty win). Two 7’s are turned over on the table, and there is a painful time-lapse whilst Smithers waits for Burns to notice. The barman is leafing through a gossip mag in the background.*

,………………….Ah,…..SNAP!! Smithers,……….That’s SNAP!!..S-N-A,…well you know the rest. Look’s like I’ve diddled you again my lad.

Well done sir,..yes you’ve bested me again. You really are too good for me.

Well that could rightly apply to most things Smithers, most anything in fact. You are not wrong though,..any outside observer would vouch for the fact that i’m giving you 'the beating of your life' *it's 2-0*.

You really are sir. 'Phew!'*mopping brow, faking exhaustion*,….Shall I get you a new Magner’s , to celebrate yet another well deserved victory?

Yes,..yes, why not,……….and be quicker about it than you were last time,..Yes, I’m enjoying this, *pointing out of the window* look at the proles out there sweating away Smithers,..Ah 'Monday lunchtime',*pointing at the people outside* time to pay for your two days of debauchery. You hungover drones.

Look at meeee Smithers, I’m clear-headed and I’m having a drink in this fine hostelry. I can do what I lke can’t I!? Because I’m the King of the World!!

You certainly are sir yes. Let the plebs get back to their drudgery. Any day is pub-day for us,..err,..i mean, for you sir. You’ll earn more interest in this lunchtime then some of them can hope to make as salary, in a year. Anyway, another Magner’s it is then,..coming straight up.

Actually Smithers, no,.no,….i’m in an experimental mood today. What the hell, get me a bottle of that Bulmer’s stuff instead, and some of those packeted Onion and Cheese Potato Flakes. It is a Monday lunchtime after-all,….let’s enjoy ourselves.

Ok sir, Bulmer’s it is, and a wise choice it is too, if i may say,..it is slightly cheaper.

Quiet Smithers!! This has nothing to do with cost. We'll have none of your ludicrous Price-taggery here. I just fancied trying something afresh.

Yes, of course, i apologise sir. Bulmer's it is -  but I’d imagine that it will taste identical to the Magner’s you just had,…

Whoa, slow down their maestro,..they’re the SAME stuff?

Yes sir, same stuff but in different bottles. Magner's for those who like to feel that they are drinking Irish stuff,..and Bulmer’s for those,.. of an English bent.

Aaaaaaaah excellent,…the old double-labelling-duel-pricing bluff,…….an intelligent stratagem. Exceelllent!

Set up a meeting with the CEO of whoever makes this muck Smithers - I like the smell of his onions, and i'm enjoying this so-called CI-DER,..think I’ll make him an offer that he will be unable to refuse,..if you know what I mean *laughing like a maniac*. Ensure that the hounds remain un-fed for today will you Smithers,……….Now, hurry up with those drinks. I’m looking forward to giving you another thrashing!

*Smithers heads up to the deserted bar and returns 15 minutes later with the drinks*

Damnit Smithers, what kept you!! A man could die of thirst waiting for you to carry out this,..this most simple of tasks

I’m sorry sir, it’s just that the barman, well,..he just did not seem to know what he was doing,…..he couldn’t even get the register to open.

Ahhhhhhhhhhh, slow barkeep is he?!

Yes sir, shall I have him killed?

No, Smithers, No. He’s slow, undoubtedly, I’ll give him that. But I took a look at him earlier Smithers,..and i don't know what it is, but i like him. He seems like a fine fellow; although I can’t quite put my finger on why?….I think that i just like the cut of his jib.

Ok sir, whatever you say *with a hint of jealousy*. Shall I deal the cards?

Yes, go ahead,..prepare yourself for another thr…Smithers you imbecile,..you’ve forgotten the Potato Flakes!!

I errr,…sorry sir,……..I did order them but,…well the barman must have,..

Damnit man, give me that pound note,..I’ll get them myself!!

Really sir,..don’t get up. I can go back and get them.

Damnit Smithers,..i said 'I’ll get them myself',…now lift me up!! What this young Scally-me-wag needs is just a command from a voice of authority. A kick up his proud Ruskie backside, from someone who commands his respect.

Whatever you say sir. You’re probably right.

Oh course I’m right man,..now render me erect.

*Smithers awkwardly raises Burns from his seating,..there is much scraping of chairs and creaking from Burns lumbar region, but eventually he is upright and resting breathless up against the bar, he brandishes a fiver to get the Barman's attention*

Onion and Cheese Potato Flakes young man, and be quick about it.

You mean crisps do you sir?

Exactly my good fellow, that’s the stuff. The Onion and Cheese infused variety if you will.

Cheese and Onion?

Yes, those are the chaps. Thank you my good man. *over his shoulder* You see Smithers, it just takes a voice of authority!”

*the barman comes back with the wrong crisps and the wrong change. Burns is none the wiser*

Ahhhhhhhhhh there we are, thank you kindly my man, and you can keep the residue of coinage for yourself as a token of my gratitude.

Well, that’s very kind of you sir,..but you do realise that I’m a girl don’t you?!

That’s the spirit young man, that’s the spirit,..never give up!

Montgomery Burns rating for the Red Lion – 9 / 10

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