Britannia (Monument)

Dr Zira (Planet of the Apes)

[Talking to Cornelius, her husband (also an ape)]

Well Cornelius, look at those steps leading underground. It’s like we’re going into the heart of darkness, don’t you think? The belly of the beast as they say! Well I’m sure this place won’t be half as bad as we’ve heard. I think these city pubs are all rather charming, don’t you? Bright Eyes warned us that if we came in here we might get more than we bargained for but I think it’s a splendid opportunity to study human behaviour and learn more about our ancestry. The missing link as it were. We are all descended from humans as you well know, my dear….

Oh look, they have strobe lighting and a shining glitter ball hanging from the ceiling. And it’s only 9pm. Back in my laboratory compound I tested strobe lighting on my subjects and got some very interesting results!

These wipe-down menus are clever, aren’t they? I suppose if someone is accidentally sick all over them then they can be cleaned and used again. Ingenious! I notice they also sell pitchers of beer in here and have discounts on all the pints of lager – wonderful!

Cornelius, that man at the bar has just asked for 10 pints of Uri Geller. What could he possibly mean? And look! A pack of males have surrounded a female to compete for her attention – and she has to choose the most appropriate mate! And now the males have started fighting over her. These animals must be on heat. And over there! A male and a female coupling on the dance-floor… Why is she kneeling down in front of him? How positively primitive.

I must say that it seems to me as if there is a correlation between how much liquid these humans consume and how funnily they behave. How unusual. Maybe it’s like that special grape juice that the kind doctor gave me when we came to Earth. That made me feel all warm and sleepy but this Uri Gellar stuff seems to have quite a different effect.

[Zira goes to the bar, buys a sweet white wine and comes back to Cornelius]

I’m afraid I couldn’t help but overhear a conversation from a chap who says he works over the road at the Express building. Last Friday he had a roll-around on the floor with the ‘landlady’ in here (he must mean a “female” human). He had her on all fours he says. I told you these humans were advanced - imitating our behaviour! Apparently there was all sorts of filth on the floor but they just didn’t care! Beer, cigarette butts, sawdust…. they were hogging away at it like swine. He said she had legs like giant hams and the hands of a welder. Like shovels they were! It sounds like she would make a good worker in our iron mines. Oh Cornelius isn’t it wonderful to see evolution in progress? Unlike these humans we chimpanzees have learnt to move beyond simply obeying our base animal instincts...

But excuse me… I must pop to the lavatory. Nature calls!

[Zira goes to the Ladies, comes back in a hurry]

Uggh Cornelis, what a horrid experience, this breed are more untamed than I thought. There were bogeys flicked on the doors and vomit in the sinks. Don’t these humans have any sense of basic dignity? And there was a male specimen outside the washroom who offered to toss a coin with me. “Heads or tails for some action in the bogs, luv?” – what could he mean? And these humans….oh… they are so ugly….

Come on Cornelius, let’s be going. Our next stop is a bondage club where the humans wear leashes and dog collars. And everyone urinates on each other. The missing link indeed.

Colonel Taylor is just next door,..with a different perspective,...

Dr Zira rates The Britannia -  4/10

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