Queen's Head (nr Bray)

Scorpio (Dirty Harry)

It is a typical night at The Queen’s Head. Outside the pub is a bouncy castle with kids playing. Inside the pub start-stop techno is blaring and a naff band are setting up. The man on the mic is saying “Testing, testing. One, two. Hello?” and kids are running around everywhere. With all that going on the Zodiac serial killer Scorpio walks into the pub carrying a .44 Magnum that he nicked from Harry.

Two hours later….

MAN ON THE MIC: Testing, testing… One, two….

LONDON PUNTER [to Scorpio]: Alright mate – how’s it goin’? Yeah, we’re staying at Bray Marina down the road. Came up from Chertsey for the weekend. We’re just in here for a quiet beer but there seems like a lot of kids running around the place...And what’s the deal with the techno? It’s making my ears bleed.

SCORPIO: Please, I scare easy.

MAN ON THE MIC: One, two [noise of screeching interference and feedback]
One, two. Hello?

[some children come running through the bar, screaming at full volume]

SCORPIO [to the London punter]: Don’t you just love children? I do. You’re staying at the Bray Marina, you say? That’s nice. I love the little boats.

[to the children] Come here, children. That’s it. How would you like to get in my bus and come with me to the ice cream factory? Hands up who wants to see how ice cream is made?!! Alright, let’s have some fun….

[the children gather round]

First we’re going to play a little game. Who knows a song? Come on, everybody knows a song…. My friend here is staying at the Bray Marina with all the little boats so why don’t we sing him a song about the river? Let’s practice it. All together now…..…. [big smile on his face]

“Row, Row, Row your boat gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily… life is but a dream….”

[children stare at him blankly as he becomes more animated]

Sing with me! Come on, now! “Row, Row, Row your boat gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily… life is but a dream.”

[The children start crying, some of them are asking for their moms]

No, children, you musn’t cry. What’s the matter with you? I’ll kill your mothers if you don’t sing for me, I swear it!

[Scorpio is shouting now and looking insane]

ROW ROW ROW YOUR BOAT!!!!!” [slaps one of the kids round the head]
GENTLY DOWN THE STREAM!!! That’s it! ROW, ROW, ROW your boat!! Sing!

[cracks another kid so he hits his head on the side of a table]

Don’t you like that song? I love children. Okay let’s try this.

[the children are very scared now, they will never run through a bar again]

This one is an old favourite of mine. It’s called ‘Old MacDonald’ … [starts singing]

“Old MacDonald had a FARM (you like this one!!). EEE III EEE III OOOO…!!!!!
.. And on that farm he had some DUCKS….. EEE III EE III OOO….
With a quack quack here and a quack quack there…….
EEE III EEE III OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

MAN ON THE MIC: Testing. One, two. Hello?

SCORPIO: Hello.

MAN ON THE MIC: One, two. One two. Hello?

SCORPIO: Hello.

MAN ON THE MIC: Hello?

SCORPIO [points .44 Magnum at him]: That’s enough of that. Now freeze. One wrong move .. I don’t care.. I’ll kill you and the band both. Do we understand each other? Now drop the mic. Left hand. Let’s see it. Left hand throw. Nice and easy.

Now… we’re going to play a game. Do as I say and you might get out of this alive. You’re going to sing a song. It’s called “One two. One two. Hello?” You know the one, you’ve been doing it all night. Well, the game is that you have to sing it through cling film whilst I suffocate you….

[takes out some cling film wrap and smothers the mans head in it]

MAN ON THE MIC: unnnn,twoo. Uhhhh. Please….

SCORPIO: That’s very good. Don’t pass out on me yet. No, no, no… not yet. Now listen to me carefully…. I’ve changed my mind…hee heee… I’m going to let you die…. I just wanted you to know that before I killed you…

[Scorpio takes out the .44 and shoots him, then he grabs a boy and girl that were still running around (because the children never stop in this place), points a gun at their heads and addresses the bar staff]

Alright, listen up. Turn around and face the bar snacks. That’s it. Put your nose right up against the Maxi Cheese and Onion. Now listen to me carefully. I’ve got the kids. It’s very simple. You start screwing around, the kids start dying. I want you to follow my orders from here on in. No more live bands. No more “one two, one two”. I swear I’ll shoot the boy. I’ll blow his brains out. No more grating techno, no more taxi quotes to Bray (just down the road) for £8 and no more kids or bouncy castles (“even though I love you, don’t I, little ones?”).

Now order me a taxi to Windsor for £5 or the girl dies.

[Taxi arrives]

Guess what? I lied. Hee hee….

[Shoots the bar staff, shoots the jukebox, shoots the kids, shoots the bouncy castle (puncturing it) then walks out and goes to The Two Brewers in Windsor for a decent pint, finds he can’t can get a seat and then shoots everyone in there as well]

SCORPIO’s rating of The Queen’s Head - 10/10 (if you love kids like I do).

Savage Cheyne

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