Old Kings Head (Borough)

Merry & Pippin (The Lord of the Rings)

*In the entrance to the King's Head - a nice little tucked away, Henry-VIII-themed gem (of a pub) near Borough market. The lads, (having blown out Sam and Frodo), are debating the mobile phone*

Pippin - Turn it off for godsake will ya,…..at least until after the football!?

Merry - We really shouldn't you know, they could be in trouble,..they may well,.."need our help". It's a dangerous city, after-all, is London.

P - No it's not, it's childs-play. And anyway, what difference will 2 hours make in the whole scope of things!! We’ve got the trees, sorry "Ents", parked outside anyway haven't we,..*look at em there; the Lads - double-parked out in the cobbled yard, swayin away happily*. We can do it in good time after the match I'm telling ya. The streets'll be dead and we can make like the old "Riders of Rohan" to get up to Euston and meet em. Now,.. get the pints in, whilst i requisition the highest-of-the-high bar stools. *walking off* You know it makes sense Merry my son. As old 'Enry 8 on the window up there, says,…"Dieu est Mon Droit" Merry "Dieu est Mon Droit!!"

M - *staying put, eyeing the phone* Oh, yeah right,..and what does that mean when it's at home?!...What about if i just put it on vibrate in my pocket?

P - *shouting over, climbing up onto a stool at the bar* It means, my son "By God I'm right" and no!! "OFF",...Off! Off like their heads as old H8 would say! It’s the only option! I know what you're like.

M - *yelling back* Ok, fair enough,..but lets put it straight back on after the match?

P - *shouting* Of course. Straight back on after the match, "Riders of Rohan" and all that. Deal!

M - Ok, ok, *turning phone off walking over* what are you having then?

P - Fosters Top please me ole china and my usual 2 bags of Cheese and Onion,..and see if they have cake!

M - Alright.*Goes to the bar and comes back to the stools with 4 pints, 8 bags of crisps and the menu*

P - Good thinking Merry, nice one, we'll be needing a snack come half-time i'm sure. Now, look up at the screen and focus. No cake I take it? Who you supporting?

M - Oh, i dunno,..the blue ones i guess (like Arwen's eyes),..who are they by the way? *sighing* No cake, no.

P - That's Chelsea pal,...do you not know anything! The red ones are Manchester United,..bastards! Just think of em as Orcs.

M - United?

P - Yeah, i mean, look at that knuckle-draggin geezer up front,...the state of him!

M - Oh god yeah,..godamn,..he looks like real "Mines of Moria" material all right,..Jesus. Well, Chelsea it is then i guess. What's the occasion?

P - It's ONLY the Champions League final chum! The competition to see who is the best football club in Middle Europe,..some would say Middle World; a bit like the battle for Minas Tirith, only in a modern stadium and with extortionate pies.

M - Oh right, pies huh!,…Ahem,..So these teams are the best are they? Who are the good guys?

P - No. No of course they ain't the best (they're the richest), and neither of em are the good guys. But let's not ruin the occasion,...As far as tonight is concerned, we're Chelsea fans ok?

M - Ok

P - Right, then let's get into character! Stick your pipe behind your ear, take off that cape and whack on this little Stone Island jacket.

M - *putting it on, examining it* Memento is it? You know the type of thing: "My Fellowship went on a quest to Stone Island and all I got what this kids Wind-Cheater!" or somesuch?

P - ,….Be quiet! Look, they're kicking off. In fact DON'T be quiet. Talk,...talk loudly if you please,..but make sure you talk about FOOTBALL, and gesticulate at the screen occasionally…

,………..*The football gets underway. It's a decent good natured crowd in the juicer and people are having a laugh. Cut to the end of the (riotous) match, and the atmosphere is slowly calming down.*

M - ,…..Wicked that weren't it Pip? Excellent choice of venue on your part! Terry's a mug ain't he? Oooooooooh Celery! Brilliant stuff.

P - Yeah decent,..it's a good boozer this one I told ya,..the landlord Greg IS one of us after-all,..so I knew it'd be good. Certainly a nice find. Phew, warm in here ain't it? *wiping brow*,..Still you'd better get the phone turned back on I suppose. I did promise that we'd get a wriggle on after the match didn't I? "Straight back on", I said, and I'm a hobbit of my word,..

M - Ah yeah,…well, I meant to mention that to you actually,...there maybe a little problem there. See, I was in the toilets at the moment when Chelsea equalised and,..

P - So,..you got a little excited yeah!?

M - Yeah,..yeah exactly,…a little OVER excited if you will, and well,...put it like this, you remember the Fires of Mordor,..you know Mount Doom and all that,..Frodo with that ring….

P - ,…Frodo with that ring?!...Oh for f*cks sake,..yeah,….seriously?! So your telling me that you did that?! You luzzed the phone down the shi tter?

M - Well err yes,….yes I think that maybe I did…………….

*they both crease up,..patting each other on the back*

P - *still laughing* Fair-play Merry old son, Fair-play. *aside to the barman* "Two more Fosters tops when you get a minute please mate,…." *raising pint* This stuff'll draw you right in!

Merry & Pippins rating for the King's Head - Henry 8 / 10

*Btw - All pints, £2.50 in here, from 4 till 7 Monday to Thurs,...good reason to miss the rush hour.

Rolosocosy

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