Waxy O'Connors (Piccadilly)

101 Dalmations

*Huddled and shivering in a shop doorway next to Waxy O’Connors, the puppies are receiving their final briefing.*

Ok lads, this is it. The culmination of 6 months of exhaustive preparation and training. Every moment of your six month lives, to now, has been leading up to this. The juicer.

As I said at the very outset. You can forget about all that “Sit” “Stay” and “Fetch” nonsense. You’ll learn nothing from that. “Ducking,” “Diving” and “Thinking on your feet” are what it’s all about in the boozer. But there ain’t a test for that at Cruft’s.

As I speak, Rover is kindly handing out the moody ID’s and credit cards, of which there are ten pairs, one per crew. Now these are vital and like gold dust, so guard them with your lives. On no account should they be passed around or played with. There will be no “retrieving” tonight! I will be collecting these back from each teams designated “Top Dog” on tomorrow morning's walk. I will accept no excuses.

Whilst we are on the subject of tomorrow morning's walk,..and this is very important – there can be no blowouts! Tails must be wagging and tongues hanging out as usual. A lot of you will be suffering from your very first hangovers, so be prepared. Remember the last seminar “No Sign of Weakness”, there must be no indication that anything has come to pass on the previous night otherwise our chances of nipping out for another session in the near future are very slim. And believe me, I need this! Am I understood!

All - “Yes!”

Good. Now, this is a massive boozer. As discussed, it’s our best chance. A totally scattergun approach. What is our aim?

All - “A pwiss-up!”

And what do we want?

All - “Fosssers!”

Fosters WHAT!!?

All - “Fossssers Twops!”

Exactly lads, exactly,..Hail to the tops!

*loads of excited yapping*

Easy, easy. Now remember, we are not ordering 100 Fosters in one hit. What are we idiots!!?

We will order ten rounds of ten as planned; each team at a different bar, with me Solo at the front. The Top Dog from each team will place the order, whilst the other 9 act casual and non-plussed. Wag your tails gently but not frantically. Leaf through magazines, check for texts on your mobiles and most importantly, don’t make eye contact with any staff member. Absolutely no licking of your bollocks or dry humping furniture at this stage,..there will be plenty of time for all that later on. But initially, there is a very fine line between acting casual and getting kicked (and possibly nicked) out for being obscene. This applies to the whole group, but I am talking most specifically to Frisky, Randy,...and Steve!!

In terms of placement. Alpha team you take top bar, Beta, you take bottom, Gamma, middle, Kappa,..*checking the list* I’ve got you’s down for the ceiling bar. The rest of you lot, use your imagination, I can’t remember the names of all the sodding bars in this place, but let's be smart about this! If you see a crew at a certain bar, then go to another one. First come, first served basis.

Right, I think that we are almost ready.

Lad’s, brace yourselves for your date with destiny. It’s all been “leading” up to this moment. And I personally would just like to take a quick moment to say that it has been a real pleasure training with you guys.

“It’s been a real pleasure training with you guys”

Erm,..yeah, we’ve had a lot of early mornings - times when it must have seemed like it was just one presentation after another, but I think you’ll find that all this effort will be more than worth it, when you finally get inside the pub!

One final thing though. In the unlikely event that someone does get a tug or reported, then remember your training. Your name is Spot Terence McSpot of no fixed abode,...and then take the 5th. Use your phonecall to bell Woodhouse, and if they ask you any questions after that, just tell em *raising paw* "talk to the lady cos the tramp ain't listening!"

The rest of you, well, forget about that 'all for one and one for all' nonsense. Should you see somone getting pulled, just scarper and head back to the rendez vous point. Ok!!?

*nods of assent all round*

Right; take your final slashes, rig up the colostomys, remove the leads,…were going in.

Ok, remember the formation, don’t loose shape. Let’s go,…….!

*The puppies all just pile in, squeezing through the door all at once,..inside they run amok,….yapping frantically with their tails going ballistic. All the chewed up ID’s and credit cards are left on the pavement.*

For godsake!!! Ah well, when in Rome!!! *steams in after em barking his head off.*

Check out how it should be done,...Professionally! In Victoria's Stage door,...

101 Dalmations rating for Waxy O’Connors – 100 / 10

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• Natural Selection,..

  “,….. Why didn’t they live to be 100?Huh? Well, they woz running round all day, hunting mammoths, eating berries,..rumping their little hearts out. No boozing or smoking. They must have been fit as fiddles. Yer Neanderthalls……….I’ll tell you why, it’s … Continue reading →